Paper For Class

“Shouldn’t I have all of this and passionate kisses.”
-Mary Chapin Carpenter

I deserve the world.

A lot of people say this. In fact, I’m sure they pray for it every night, though they may not say it in those exact words. They will say them as, “Please let me win the lottery,” or “Make that dick who just passed me speed his way into a cop.” However, they do not deserve the world.

I do.

And, in a nicely fashioned numerical order, I’ll tell you why.

1. I work hard.

This isn’t to say that other’s don’t. In fact, I know plenty of people who work just as hard as me, if not harder. However, I am a college student, with student loans that I will probably not be able to afford to pay off later due to the fact that I have chosen a career that, unless someone finds it amusing enough to print, and others find it amusing still and buy it, I am completely fucked. Yet, despite this hardship, I keep right at it. I continue down the path of writing and making film because, in my heart, I am doing what I truly what I want to do.

And that is what separates me from the other hard workers. How many people can say that they are not only working hard, but they are working hard on their dream? Most are working hard, but hating their job every moment, as their dreams lie in being a fire fighter, or a painter, perhaps even a person who does voiceovers for silly commercials. I, against many who tell me I should be doing otherwise, am doing what I love.

Just in the middle of Spring Semester, I applied to have my tuition paid for by the Minnesota Rural CEP, a workforce center. Two weeks later, in which I had called and fervently tried to get an interview, I received a letter that said I was perfect in every eligible way to have this grant--but, they said, “we are not looking for someone in your field right now.” Imagine feeling as if you’ve spent four years doing something, paying for something, that you were so proud of, only to have someone say that it was a waste of time (at least, in so many words). I spent the better of a good two weeks wondering what I was doing with my life, if I was making right decisions on where I was going to be. However, every single time I made a list of other possibilities, or sat down to contemplate, all I could think of was how unhappy I would be, and that, though I may not be making extreme money, or that no one “needs” my special talents, they wouldn’t have to answer to me at the end of the day. They wouldn’t have to go to bed at night sad, or wake up and realize they weren’t doing what they were truly meant to be doing with their hearts.

Plus, there is also the fact that I hold three jobs. I work as a Resident Assistant, which accumulates up to being not only having your own drama and emotions, but everyone else’s as well. I also work at Gamestop, a retail job that, though may have better scenery than other places, in the end is just selling things to people, and trying to keep them happy. The last is working at as a secretary on campus, where people call wanting all sorts of information, and if you don’t know it, then one is ridiculed via phone, as it is much easier to tell someone what terrible people they are when you don’t have to see them face-to-face. But I persevere, doing my best to remain calm, and do what needs to be done. I even manage to have some free time, taken with even more appreciation than another.

2. I have a great balance between being compassionate and having my needs taken care of as well.

You may be thinking, “That’s great that you have a healthy balance for that and all, but the people who are always compassionate no matter what are the one’s who deserve the world!” And I ask you to take care to read my reasoning before jumping to conclusions.

Think about it. Someone who is always putting someone else first is the greatest kindness of all, but how long can they go on doing such before there is a breaking point? Would someone who had the entire world do well if they were out of business just as often as they were in because they were breaking down? Plus, other’s would just take advantage of the poor soul, and then where would we be? In a world where everyone but that person deserving it having it.

No, I deserve to have the world because I can handle what is given to me. I’m not saying that having three jobs, plus always having great work ethics, doesn’t put a strain on things. This is why I take vacations, volunteer, write, and make film. Work hard, play hard. Plus, always doing what one loves is never work, so the stresses that are involved with my job are the good kinds of stress, the ones that make you work harder, and make you feel better at the end of the day when achieving success. Even a failure seems somewhat fantastic, as it means that one learns from the mistake.

3. I’m not too bad to look at, with smarts and a sense of humor to boot.

So, I’m not a model. However, I do have a great smile, glasses with personality, and really long hair that’s healthy. In fact, I’m overall a pretty healthy person. I eat what’s proper, and some that’s not (can’t help the brownie loving, or the fact that I love ice cream). I’m human, and I understand that I am.

Besides the looks, I am a pretty smart girl, definitely above average if not closer to the top. I’ve got on the Dean’s list the past few semesters, in fact. And the fact that I’m smart doesn’t get in the way with social skills, but instead embellishes my witty charm. Sometimes, beauty doesn’t give the boon of a good brain, and whether this is because the person doesn’t have the IQ, or because being beautiful never demanded them of using their brain in anything besides smiling and looking pretty, this hasn’t affected the way I live or work in the least. If it helps, I didn’t even consider myself a beauty until much later in my life, as I was a “late bloomer.” According to Hollywood, this means I am perfect in deserving the world, and the boy. And the only thing Hollywood lies about is the fact that when you shoot something, that doesn’t deem it worthy of blowing up.

In addition, having a sense of humor means that I love to laugh. “Laughter is the best medicine.” Though this may not be so true for curing, it’s definitely the best for having a healthy mind and heart. I even laugh at myself, which is the most important laughter of all. After all, it is said to never “take yourself seriously. No one else does.” And, yet again, I find myself with a niche for seriousness and humor. With as much stress, though positive, this is a much needed aspect in someone who deserves the world.

Now, I understand that everyone has their own definition of what “the world” entails. That some will still, regardless of my reasoning, declare me unworthy of the world. But this does not take away from my deserving it. It also doesn’t take away from me trying to have it. After all, with such deductions as I have said above, one would expect nothing less.

And that's why I deserve the world.

This Is The Dream Of Mallory

Here I am again, weighing the positives against the negatives.

I guess the main question is, am I continuing to be an RA for the right reasons?

With school as it is, things are becoming chores. Things are becoming obligations, rather than "fun ways to build a community."

And my residents deserve someone who will work hard at creating the life they so crave. Where they can throw garbage and not have repercussions. Where mandatory meetings are dreams. Where respect is optional.

Actually, they deserve an RA that causes them to not even want to do any of those things.

I think it may be because I'm twenty-two years old now, and more than half of my floor is nineteen or under. It's not necessarily a wisdom thing, but I'm focusing on myself right now (rightfully so, as I'm graduating next fall).

But it's also the knowledge that I don't get to do what I want to anymore. I can't visit my parents as often as I'd like, I can't make any money, can't go out as often as I'd like (and if I do, I feel guilty because I'm not on my floor), there's the constant worry of how I'm doing academically, physically, emotionally, and how the floor and I are working. All the time.

And every time I look at the pros, I think, "Free room and board. Social atmosphere. Possibly, resume."

I've just lost my passion for it. This summer looks promising, fun, even... But next year? I could go back and forth on what I actually want to do for days on end.

And the freedom.

But I also know that you get out of the job what you put into the job. It is now whether or not I want to continue to put in. I already feel as if I've dissipated--it's the end of the year, again, so I'm working hard on projects, getting sleep, and studying, just like the other students. Perhaps they forget that I am a person, too?

However, next year will have me in an entirely different building.

What I want is to work on my projects, and have other time to do what I love as well. I'd like to be able to help others, but know that I can help me when the time needs it as well. I want to be the person I love all of the time, not most of it.

I need to know what's right.

I need to think this out all over again...

Random Facts: Being an RA, whether you enjoy the job or not, is a huge challenge in-of itself.

Still Busy

The past couple of days has found me... rather happy. Despite the crap that happens, when I stare off into space, I'll come back to Earth and realize there's a smile smacked on my face. For no reason to explain except that I am in the true, honest-to-God Happiness that hasn't been here for ages.

It's almost as if I'm in love.

I just can't wait to see this wonderful change that is going to be happening. I am apart of our change, and it's the best feeling in the world.

I am surprised about the ban on Gay Marriage in California, Arizona and Florida, however. I never thought it would actually go through. And if we're banning that, does this mean we have to make sure gay people can still vote? All of it is ridiculous in my eyes--two people in love deserve just as much as the next. During a time when we should all be coming together, we're struggling to make sure we aren't--at least, that's how it feels at times.

The rain we've been having these days has just been a thought to me as if we're cleansing. Since the night of the election, it's been thunderstorms, then cool rain pouring upon our heads, but the weather initially warm. I feel so calm, despite the wariness surrounding me. I hadn't realized how much the election was affecting me.

And now that it's over, I feel as if there's been a great lift on my shoulders, from all around. There's no class next Tuesday, no homework for over the weekend really, Thanksgiving is coming up... And though I'm On Duty for Friday and Saturday, I'm just looking at it as time to catch up on some hardcore gaming. I rented Prince of Persia: Sands of Time from Gamestop, but I didn't finish it--but I want to get Warrior Within, next.

I'm even caught up on sleep. For the Gods' sake, I am actually sleeping well.

I have time to catch up on things I couldn't. I have some True Blood to watch (which I will get Amber on, since she's reading my Vampire series), an episode of The Office to watch (since there was an event I had to go to, and missed half of it)... and the stupid nerdy/love for vampire me is getting sadly excited for Twilight. I can't help it. What is it about things that can't possibly exist that rise my curiosity? Blah.

In other news, it has been set that I will graduate next Fall. After setting the classes and figuring out what's what, I'll finally be done. It's the most exhilarating feeling... I'm scared out of my wits, yet so relieved to finally be done... And there's so much to think about. Where to live next year, what to do with my life, whether to go for my MFA, internships... I still have my senior project to finish, too, which I'm starting next semester. Plus, my minor in Mass Comm (or will I make it a major if I'm getting my MFA somewhere else?).

There is so much to consider, thinking all at once can overwhelm--but I know that the next few weeks will have me searching for new places to go whilst remembering our new president and what else is being held for me in the future.

It's interesting. I spent so much of my life trying to prove to myself that I can do this, that I can be on my own without any guidance... yet, I'm afraid to let go of the hands that are pushing me to do so as well. So much opportunity, and with all the travel I want to do, now that we're starting new in America, I don't want to leave--I want to be apart of what happens. History, the thing I once hated, now is something that almost consumes me, as I'm apart of it.

There's a lot to think about--and all of it is actually in the positive. Who can say they have too many good choices to choose from?

Random Fact: On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents every day. I hope not to take home.

New Status

So, Fall Training starts soon, and I'm pretty excited for it. I'm kind of disappointed at the fact that I can't do as much as I want to because people are cleaning and fixing my floor, but I look at it as a challenge--and the fact that my floor will be nice and pretty by the time people move in.

There's another Mallory in my building, and, to be honest, at first, I was a little apprehensive. The snob inside of me doesn't like the girls with my name. But this Mallory is different, nice even. She's nothing like me, which is a blessing inof itself. If she'd been the tall redhead with glasses like people had been claiming her to be, I would have been worried. As it is, she never wears her glasses and she dyed her hair brownish black.

But besides the RAs moving it, it's been a very subtle week. My car's steering gear was replaced, so it's not acting up anymore, and everything else has been great since then. Nathan and Josh, our new ARHD, have been hanging out and getting things ready, with their great senses of humor.

Our theme is The Office, so everyone got characters. I'm Karen, which I tried to not think of as an insult, but thought I'm probably a lot like and that's probably why I didn't like her character that much. We all wish we were someone else. But I'm okay with it, as it's just a theme.

As long as I don't have someone as a boyfriend who is actually in love with someone else. That'd suck.

Yesterday was my last day at Gamestop for a good week and a half, and then I go strictly to Sundays. It was an odd feeling, though, when a kid handed me seventy bucks for a video game he'd wanted for some time. I'd just gotten groceries for myself, sixty bucks worth, for the next two weeks. One video game is worth my eating for two weeks.

I suddenly could see the worth of my vital needs.



=



And since I've got my studies where they should be, I'm contemplating what to do next. Since screen printing seems to be out of the question (I'm still determined to see if I can get involved), my next step is getting back into choir. I've looked into personal lessons, and also to see if I can join Varsity--but that all depends on when they meet. Since this is an outside thing, my classes are more important. In the irony of going back to roots, here goes for having some extra fun (and getting credits while I'm at it).

Random Fact: The amount of time going into classes and being an RA is proportional to how much of a social life you won't have.

On Duty

I know I haven't updated for ages, but I feel like I have a legitimate reason, which is the end of the year stresses. There is just too much going on for any body's health.

Technically, I was done with finals last Thursday. I was given an extra day in two of my classes to fix some smudges here and there for portfolios (everyone got it), and then I went home for the weekend to spend Mother's Day with family and friends. I then got back to a time of being on the brim of constant panic. I don't have anything to panic about, but I've gotten the bug just when I thought I'd puked it out.

Most of it is just nerves for summer. I want it to begin so bad, my brain hurts. I'm consistently in my room for check outs, when everything is happening for goodbyes at a different time. That's the thing about being an RA. When the fun is happening, you usually have to say no--it's what I've signed up to do, so I'll live with it, but most of my Senior friends are having get together times that I truly wish to be involved in. Who the hell knows when I'll officially see them again? They're going out into the real world. I've a few years before I can finally make that step in the forevers.

Of course, there are other stress-related things, for sure doing with the relationship statuses of the everyone. Mandikat broke up with her boyfriend of seven years, people are getting engaged like the plague whilst others are getting pregnant/married within the next months. Others are considering/have cheated on their "significant" others.

To be honest, it's a hard choice to say which disgusts me most. Seeing people kind of throw their lives away by marrying young and having kids, money lost on the college never well spent or the thought of people cheating. Probably the cheating. I get a little sick whenever I think of myself in any of those positions. For myself, I am too young to want myself to have a kid or get married; I have the dreams and goals for my future that includes the money I've invested.

But cheating? I don't care what it is. There is harm. Betrayal of trust. It embodies everything that... I hate? It's a hard thing for me to not be judgmental of. It's something that can be avoided by the choices we make. It never "just happens". Something has been leading up to it, and if it happens, then those choices from the beginning should not have been made.

I'm tired. Extremely so. I'm on a constant go. I can't even take precious naps, as there's always a phone ringing or a door knocking. You think I'm bragging, that I think of myself in popular demand. This is just the end of the year.

But I have my happy moments. I brought more things up from home to make my stay in the same room for the next year and a half more comfortable. I've been playing Mario Kart Wii in any non-working waking hour. I walk the puppies at the Humane Society, play Guitar Hero with friends and have some of the most memorable conversations with people I now consider to be best friends.

College really is some of the best years of my life. And I plan on continuing that factor, even after my education is finished.

Random Fact: The common belief that dogs are color blind is false. Dogs can see color, but it is not as vivid a color scheme as we see. They distinguish between blue, yellow, and gray, but probably do not see red and green. This is much like our vision at twilight.

Test of Trials

The stress just keeps piling and making something of itself.

The end of the year is upon us. The part about being an RA is the ability to juggle what we hope we can handle. Usually, I end up doing something fantastic, like managing to pull off five balls at once--but I've found that those are usually flukes, and I've got to just pull myself together to keep the real tricks that I know well going.

I did my new bulletin board on the stresses of life and school, and the need to get a good balance. It basically made a list of how to make a schedule for yourself; how to study and then relax between study sessions.

I, myself, have too much on my plate. With the luck I've had, my tape got smashed with my footage, which my teacher understands and gave me another chance until Wednesday, but I have projects due, a paper I've put off way too long and even more so to keep up with my residents, who are also freaking out about school and life. But I have to remember the good things:

*I won $31 at our local co-op
*Ben Folds concert was epic
*My new glasses are working out perfect
*I still have money on my college ID
*I got a summer position and my Gamestop position
*Showers are still the best anythings ever
*I have great friends and family

There are so many more... And tonight is the night that I get everything back into it's own place. Where it's supposed to be.

Random Fact: 75% of the general population experiences at least "some stress" every two weeks (National Health Interview Survey). Half of those experience moderate or high levels of stress during the same two-week period. Stress contributes to heart disease, high blood pressure, strokes, and other illnesses in many individuals. Stress also affects the immune system, which protects us from many serious diseases.

Still Snowing

Everyone is talking about it, but the main fact is: it's been snowing since 10pm last night.

I've been enjoying every second of it, actually. Though I was a bit miffed last night (I went out in dry weather in flip-flops, had to leave trudging through snow back), I love it. It's perfect weather for snowball fights, snowpeople making and also a reason to stick around at friends' houses just to chat or play video games.

I finally got my door decks up:



I really went the distance, but I like how they turned out. Since I'd put so much work into them, I ended up laminating. No qualms, though.

I still have ages of work to do, that I amazingly am able to put off without mentally going crazy.

I helped out Traci on a project for class (easy 30 second commercial). I was just in the shots, but I called in Spooner and my old RA, Andy, as she wanted some more boys to be involved. I was just going to go home afterwards, but then we ended up talking and I went over to Spooner's with Andy to play some 64, then to Crap-mart to pick up some yarn (beer on their part).

I plan on making his mittens soon enough, but I really should stop procrastinating at some point to get done with Self-Evaluations for the RA position, writing a paper and thinking up my next bulletin board for my floor. I also want to double check my stuff for my summer RA position, talk with them and see how they like what I have to offer.

I hate the end of the year. There is always way too much stress, emotionally and physically. I lose sleep thinking and doing projects. And when I'm thinking, I usually refuse to do any other material of work on school because I'm too distracted anyway. Thus, my day hours increase whilst my sleep hours diminish.

If I don't get the summer RA/anything position, I'm on the debate of what to do. I've had more than enough offers to live. As much as I'd love to be home, I don't think I'd be happy with any job. I'm really pushing my egg basket at this double job at the dorms and Gamestop.

The snow is just amazing, though. Most of the time, when I look out my window, I can't see past two inches. A lot of people are hoping for school to be off tomorrow (ha!), but I think that it won't be so bad. Unless it's still snowing, warm weather will come in and melt it hardcore. Minnesota weather is just nuts.

Gotta love Motion City Soundtrack.

Random Fact: The first penny had the motto "Mind your own business"

Studying Like A Banshee

I woke up today with the most achy shoulders I've had since rock climbing, and I was slightly confused... Carving pumpkins couldn't cause this much strain.

And then I remembered carrying the six pumpkins across town in plastic bags, up stairs, down stairs, on buses.... I suppose that could have been some of the strain.

It was going to be a study day, today, as I have a test that's worth 50% of my grade tomorrow morning (I've expressed myself about this before, and it probably won't be the last time). I just can't express how much I feel this doesn't do any help in the least.

Looking at things before the test, I'll do. According to some factual crap I've read about years ago and had confirmed with a recent book I downloaded, our minds average to seven items in short term memory. This is usually the amount of things I need to learn anyway, so I cram them in. When I get to the test, I immediately write them down lightly on the side of my paper for future reference and refer back as necessary. With this has come the beauty of B-A tests. I'm sure my parents are very proud right now.

But I'm worried about this test because I know everything there is about the information except the people who basically patented the common sense knowledge. Every item is the same except for a little tweak, which makes it "completely different" and thus liable for another name to remember.

Have I mentioned that this class would be completely unneeded if people just did their jobs and weren't power hungry? Perhaps there would be less problems with communication if people were less selfish as well.

I guess my main jibe is the fact that I won't be really using this in the future, but I still have to take the class, whether in New Zealand or good ol' Minnesota. It goes with the career. I've never wanted to be the CEO of a major corporate company, which is what this class is based for. I suppose it's supposed to teach me why I shouldn't complain about any changes in a business, but all it's really making me do is complain more.

And as if things aren't bad enough, TV Links isn't working. Whether it's because Massey network has decided that it takes up too much bandwidth (they have limits here) or because the actual site is down, I have no clue. I'm just a little thankful that people are downloading Heroes so I can be up to date (and watch it without commercials!).


(Here's me trying to work TV Links while not studying... So much for breaks)

People here just watch really bad television, such as Home & Away, where if you get in the way, you'll have over ten spatting girls at you. They also enjoy movies such as Big Momma's House, Doom and (ugh) Pledge This! (watching it once wasn't good enough, apparently).

Oh, and did I mention that our yearbook I helped slave over probably won't be published? I used a good thirty-six hours compiling images to make montages, the front and back cover as well as creating a small essay about going abroad, taking some precious time I wanted to put towards other homework assignments (at the time, I was in hardcore study mode, much better than I am now, which is "I'm through with school" mode). One of the girls working on the yearbook (out of the four of us) decided not to pull her side of the block. The other RA helping us, Stu, said that it takes two weeks to print out, and without that information, he said that it'll take a few days to compile and won't be here until after next week (when I'll be gone). When I asked about me getting a copy, he said, "Oh, I don't know."

When I stared at him and blinked, he said, "Just give me your email and I'll PDF it for you, if I figure it out."

I kind of just turned back to my computer because I didn't want to say that I practically did more than half the yearbook anyway.

So, between being shafted for extracurricular work, studying for tests, not talking to one of my best friends over stupid feeling factors and bad television (I think bad television effects all of our lives in one way or another), I noticed that one of my Kiwi friends was filling out a form for finals.

His back broke when he was in the third grade and was inoperable. Thus, he's been on pain medication for most of his life, the strong stuff, which means that his days consist of either blinding pain or no pain with the side effects of nausea, random faints and dizziness (and while that none of that is fun, the random faints are particularly so, as he's about 6' 3" and 200 pounds). The sheet he was filling out was to let the teachers know about how any studying can be disrupted with all of these taken into consideration--pain or dream-like state.

"So, can I get one of those for all of the stress I've endured due to traveling in a new country, my dog dying, one of my best friend's father dying and so forth?"

"If it disrupts how the studying goes, yes." He read off a few of the things on the list that would cover my stress. "I wish I would have used it last semester. It makes a difference in the sense that it'll bring it up some percentage, like a C+ to a B-. Just enough. If I have an A or B+ or something, they won't bother, but something like that, sure."

I wish I would have looked into the matter, but feel it's too late now, with my final tomorrow morning (though this won't cause me to not look into it). I do feel that some things need to be taken into account. Though I also feel that Michael has a better reason. I'm reluctant to say that what I have is considered a "disability," but I will admit that with the actions of late are causing a bit more than just "normal" stress.

But is it okay to write "One of my gay friends confessed his love of more than a friend to me a few weeks before seeing each other for the first time in six months" or "I'm going back home to a forest fire during Thanksgiving" or "Your school system sucks with the test percentage" on a sheet of paper?

I think the disability for that is just a frustration with change.

All in all, I need to get going to bed. I'm getting up extra early to eat and set my mind into "test mode."

I guess I should be thankful that I'm not in Norway. Peder tells me that his tests are normally 6-8 hours, if not more.

Random Fact: Fish cough.

Old Times

I just got finished with watching my brother's Halo video for the umteenth time. It was made quite a long time ago, but the talent is clear. Of course, now videos will be made so much easier with the new Halo 3 being able to record an entire match and one can see it from any angle. It'll make for interesting.

In the recent, I've been handing out the WOWIO card like it's candy. Some have signed up, others haven't, but I'm finding it quite hard to now find something I want. When I started, it was wonderful; all these new comics, books... And now I have the comics I want and I find it unappealing to read books on a computer, as reading paper is just better for the eyes in general, but it's also how I like to read books. Turning a page, no scrolling too far forward, no needing batteries (perhaps electricity for the lights or a candle)... Simple and always there. You also don't have to wait for it to download--you just pick it up and start. You don't have to type in the page you want to flip back in forth, you just open the book. This can work for perhaps if you lose a page, but when I downloaded a dream dictionary, all I have to say is how frustrating it is to try and find what you're looking for. But, when all is said and done, it's free. Complaining over.

My first exam doesn't start until the end of this week. I know I shouldn't be sad about it--after all, that means I'll have more studying time (ha!). But I guess I just wish it could all be over so I could start exploring New Zealand again. Everybody is busy studying for exams, so no one is wanting to come out and play. The library is suddenly the popular place to be. And people are getting cranky, as they aren't giving themselves enough "me" time.

I blame the fact that their tests are worth about 60% of their grade. 60 freaking percent. That's up the hizzo! No test should be worth that much. No wonder students are taking caffeine pills, committing suicide and breaking down. There's stress enough as it is with society telling us how to act, look, work and any other bodily function. Even when we're "taking a break" by going out into town, we worry about how we dress and then how it's perceived... And then, after all of this college and "growing up," we're given even more to worry about with bills, mortgages, jobs and making something of ourselves. If you're single, you worry about dating. If you're together with someone, you worry about moving things to the next stage. If you're married, there's enough problems (all the above plus some).

Since a child, I've been told "Enjoy life while you can."

Enjoy life. That's why I'm in New Zealand in the first place.

But I think of all the other people out there who are too scared to go to their New Zealand because they "don't have enough time" or "can't afford it, not with loans out for college" or "there's just too much to do." When will there be time? When will you afford it? After you make those millions that very few make before forty? Fifty? Seventy? And when will you have a list of things that can be set aside for what you love to do?

They say that by going to college, you can achieve these things faster and easier, unlike "us," my parents say, who decided to go on with life (though I can't complain because now I'm going to college with a lot more help). Though they never did go to college, I have to say that my parents are some of the most smart people I've ever met.

Okay, so my mother doesn't like/understand Pre-calculus. And my father doesn't know everything there is to know about HTML. But because of the environment I've grown up in, I have been able to achieve my biggest dream by the age of twenty: Travel to the country of my choice.

In fact, there are many contributors to this matter. My grandparents on my fathers side (huge contribution on their part, throughout my entire life... I'm not sure how to ever thank them for that), my grandparents on my mother's side, my aunts and uncles, Mandikat, Russell, teachers, friends... I'm pretty sure even enemies have helped make this decision, as it allowed me to be more okay with leaving the country (ha!).

But it remains to say that though my father dropped out of even high school, when he got his GED, he did better on his tests than anyone I know. When I was struggling in English with how to write a paper, my mother helped me get an A. When I was unsure of what to do with my future, a test didn't help me in the least. My parents, family and friends did.

I don't care how much percentage a test has, 60% is not and will not make the test any more life changing. You could have ten questions on a test that require perfect spelling on random words in the dictionary with more than twelve letters. Or you could just have the easiest questions in the world about what color the sky and grass is. Why put a mother load on something that, in all reality, has more than 90% of the class in a tizzy because they have less than nine months to memorize? Especially when you get a lecture teacher who cares less about interaction with their students than, say, a shark and a larch tree (which, according to my sources, are more than slim to none).

In my thoughts, the test is for the teachers. How well is my teaching that my students are able to answer these questions correctly? Are my students gaining enough knowledge on this subject to prove that I got a point across? And when you look at it that way, one can get pretty pissed at the question the teacher decides to add on the test that they perhaps mentioned under their breath a minute before the first day of school started, before the class had time to settle down and ready themselves for learning.

Don't get me wrong. I love learning. It's on my top ten list.



It's more like a twelve list. Well, it's thirteen now because I've added "13) Laugh." And I added the "want to do" because the "to do" made it sound like a job, and anything on that list are things I also enjoy. But you get the idea.

I guess my point is that we only live life once.

Indeed, I'd like to know that the doctor I have that's doing some sort of important surgery on me or anyone I love has gotten good grades and it's suitable for people who are creating my anti-virus on the computer I use.

But I find it interesting that the my idols are the people who are good in themselves, not just brain smart.

Where's the fucking test on that?

P.S. My father is now taking college courses through the internet! And he's still getting better grades than me! (bastard!)

Random Fact: If you put a drop of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

Finals

Finals are coming upon me and I'm tired as heck. It's not so much of studying, but the fact that I finally managed to get my hands on a PS2 with God of War II. So, staying up late and playing plus working on extra papers have just worn me out.

I'm also getting stressed about how close it is to getting home. It's not that I do want to leave or don't want to leave... it's just that it's getting so close and I get nervous about flying. Not while in the air, but leading up to it. There's so much to remember, and I don't want to leave one thing here (well, the important things, anyways). I know that I won't forget anything important. I'm too freaked out to. But the point is that I'm freaked out about it. I'm starting to get a rash, just like I was getting before I left for New Zealand. On my forearms and my neck, I'll scratch and scratch. It didn't hit me until today that it's probably a stress rash, nothing too serious, and I've managed to find ways to calm myself.

Last night, I couldn't even get to sleep as my head was overwhelmed with thoughts. But then I thought about the airport, getting off the plane and seeing my parents and possibly Mandikat. My heart rate slowed down and my thoughts went calm. I realized that through all the stress, good was coming of it.

I've heard about the fires in California and I'm not too particularly worried, though I do hope everyone is okay. Apparently, my Great Auntie Meg has been helping, and I've decided that if things are still going tough, I'll volunteer my time to help out. It'll be a different Thanksgiving, but at least I'll be around the ones I love.



That's Gina and me. I don't approve of my haircut, but this was taken a few weeks ago, so it's growing out... I think I'll wait to get home to cut it, so I know I'm getting it done by someone I trust. And am not paying an arm and a leg.

Well, now I'm finished with work and just "studying" for finals. And then I'll have almost two months off until the next year.

Sweet.

Random Fact: 40% of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals

No Motivation

I simply don't have it for school. There is absolutely nothing to make me do school work. It's boring. And I can't find where I'll fit the certain homework into my life.

Some would say this is depression, but it's not. I'm actually really happy.

I went out to dinner on Friday, had a nice lazy weekend, tomorrow I is the end of most homework, Wednesday is a free facial. I've made a new friend, Gina, in which we watch a lot of the same shows and go around town together.

I think this is mostly due to the fact that I know my stay in New Zealand is ending. In about a month and a half, I'll be back in the states for who knows how long. And I want to enjoy where I am in the now, without anything holding me back.

Worried that I'm losing my priorities (well... the correct term is lost), I ended up downloading a book about learning how to get good grades by hypnotism. Realizing that I don't believe in hypnotism, much less doing it to myself, I then downloaded a book about how to stop procrastination... I've still yet to read it. But I blame that on the fact of the time I'm using to research for a paper, or at least thinking about the research I should do for a paper.

I'm looking forward to the month and a half I'll have off, but I'm going to be working then as well. I need to get in touch with Aya for getting an RA job, decide if it's worth it to get a job in the mean time (NO), visit Mandikat and possibly other friends... And before all of that, I have to sign up for classes, see if Gamestop wants me back and game my arse out because it's been ages since I've touched anything remotely game-ish besides solitaire or Freecell. Add the puppy we're getting, and I've got more than a full schedule.

So, here goes the plan. Tell Russell to at least let Aya know I'm interested in a job, and if it's possible, get e-mail address and like so I can get in contact to perhaps see about interview or whatever the heck they do to have an RA on duty. Once I get as far as I can with that (calling will ensue when I get back in the states), use rest of time to study for exams and not worry about future. When I do get back, I will refuse to get a job as in I'll want to relax and be with family while also repacking for school (which is dependent on if I get the RA job or not because I refuse to live in the dorms if I don't get the job... too much money to stay there). I'll help with puppy training, hopefully Mandikat and Eric will come over at some point, hang out and show off pictures and experiences. If it comes down to it, I will probably just stay home without going to visit others because I'm not completely sure about money, but I need extra cash for driving to Bemidji and the like when I get back. I'll spend Christmas with my family, giving gifts and eating the best meals of a lifetime, then go move in to where I need to go (it will require more time if I need to find an apartment... If anything, I'll talk to Jess and Tanya from last year to see if they've got an opening). Finally, if Gamestop won't have me, find another job that's okay with working hours (if I have the RA position, I can only work 10 hours a week), preferably the bookstore in town because then I'd be fulfilling the other love of my life.

So....

*Get RA duty down
*Train puppy
*See Mandikat and Ashley
*See possible apartments
*Find job for rest of school year
*Play video games massively
*Have a Merry Freaking Christmas

Lot's to do when I get home. In fact, lot's to do while I'm here as well.

*Write paper
*Write subject-orientated story
*Contact Aya about RA duty
*Get stamps for last of postcards
*Study for Exams
*Figure out what to do with extra ten days
*Stop procrastinating

It's just so easy. You benefit now. And I like now. It's so immediate.

I miss popcorn.

Random Fact: 90 percent of women who walk into a department store immediately turn to the right.

All Nighter

I have to apologize for how little I've been writing. I mean, I have been writing. But, to be truthfully honest, yes, I am shafting you. I am half-assing my abilities in this small area of webpage because I like to believe that I am:

A) Too busy.
B) Not creative enough.
C) Too busy.
D) Experiencing life.
E) Too busy.
F) Dedicated to homework.
G) Too busy.

I could probably list things all day without repeating myself in the least, but, for some reason, my finger keeps pointing back to letter 'F'. And also the idea of having to repeat myself multiple times.

What is it about repeating a story that turns me off? Yet I continue to do so? It's not rare to hear something twice, especially growing up.

Clean the room, wash the dishes, mow the lawn, pick up [said item], let the dogs in, etc, etc, etc...

Specifically, I can remember myself playing video games in the basement of my old home, hearing my mother call to me to vacuum the staircase. As I indulged in myself (something I quite often do), she would call perhaps up to three times before finally getting to that questioning point of "Is she even in the house?" She'd go to my bedroom, calling a questioning, "Mallory?" Perhaps go upstairs to see if I'd fallen asleep on the couch. Then she'd get to the basement, but, rather than go all the way down, she'd lean a little to listen. Promptly, I'd pause my game, maybe even turn off the television so she couldn't see any light (good game play proved itself in the darkness, when one couldn't look to see what buttons were being pressed... a Star Wars blindfolded move, if you will), then slow my breathing to nothing, huddled in my blanket (basements were always colder, and ours was no different), wondering with tense muscles for the verdict. Would she go down those few extra steps and find me? Or would she go by senses and give up for a few more minutes, allowing me to complete a level, start another and then explain to her later, when she did find me glued to our old television, that I had to finish that level before I would be able to save. It was usually a fifty-fifty chance, depending on how badly she wanted the job to be done. I particularly remember one time when I heard her vacuuming the stairs herself, and I felt so guilty and shamed that I went up to correct the situation--my parents had enough to do.

All of this was done to just get in ten more minutes of "me" time. To play something that isn't reality. To this day, I still unknowingly ignore people as my surroundings blur, ears focused on the speakers, mind numb to anything but the press of a button (now flick of a wrist, thanks to the Wii).

I always wonder if it's worth it, but it must be. I still procrastinate homework to see a movie, talk with a friend, write in a blog. Nothing has really changed. Except that I'm considered an "adult" (more official come March), and that I should "know better."

My parents weren't bad parents. In fact, I have to say I have been spoiled with the right spoilings, told about all of my wrongs and to this day have a great relationship where I can tell them anything, joke around and even know they support me through anything. So what condemns me to this need of everything but?

I make lists. A lot of lists. I write them everywhere, pin them everywhere, make sure that no matter where I go, I'll be able to glance at them to remind me of the urgency. But even then, I'll sometimes push things to the edge. And if they get pushed over, I somehow always managed to grapple at it and pull it back up, no matter how far it fell. Sometimes, I bungee jump all the way down and clutch it in my hands about an inch from the ground. It's only smashed a few times, and those weren't good, but it obviously hasn't been enough motivation to stop me.

Repetition. Always goes round and round and round.

The oldest story in the book is "the joke." It's so funny, it must be told to everyone. Even the same person, if need be, over five times. Few reactions to this one. Interruption (yeah, you've said that), saying the ending with them (They were wearing the same pants!) or just making it seem as if they'd never told them before. What's the use of it? To interrupt is to be rude, no matter how you phrase it; even politely makes the other feel stupid. Saying the ending with them really encourages them to retell the story over and over (I have experience of watching this one happen constantly). And having it seem as if it's never been told not only gets harder, but then also makes the person think, "Man, I've never told this one half as often as I thought!"

Ah, but when is anything not rude or repeated? History, books, music, art... How wonderful it must have been to live in the days when nothing had been invented, the whole world of literature and life a blank canvas. To invent a thing such as sliced bread.

Our generation is repetition. All of the nineteen hundreds seem to be coming back full throttle, from every culture. It's amazing how we can call these styles "new."

But then, when you really think about it, children are repetitious as well. It's a long shot, but each child has something from each side of the family--repeating looks, health, nature...

It's all inevitable. Precautions don't even always work (as accidental births have proven, as well as firewalls for internet or covers on a trashcan). It'll repeat, sooner or later. Parallels are drawn between lives ("I went through that as a child"), and yet I see the competition as well as the repetition.

The reason the person says the joke so many times is because they want to be known that they were the ones that were originally funny, not someone else, whom may not give the correct credit.

Who did it first? Who went along with it first?

Why else would Facebook or Myspace or any other type of lame internet connection be so popular? (Don't worry, I have a Myspace, and this blog). To be quite honest, I have not gone through a day that hasn't held the word "Facebook" in it. How pathetic is that?

And don't even get me going on text messaging. I just received an assignment in which we look at the ideas of a hired communication group; one of the ideas is to use text messaging in place of pamphlets. Teachers are "with the times" as they tell us they hope their phone doesn't ring during class (yet make no movements to silence them).

Ringtones to show the awesomeness of our tastes, T-shirts that have every single saying in the world so we don't have to explain a small part of us that is hilarious or serious or angry or happy or stupid...

Which just leads into expectations. Or maybe even aspect-tations (not a word, but could be used here).

It comes down to the importance we place on things. People say the stories over again to make sure for credit or like the feeling of telling the story. People use Facebook or Myspace to show their knowledge or pretend their popular or just keep in touch. And I procrastinate on my homework because I believe their is more to life than proving my knowledge, such as enjoying what I've got in the small amount of time I have.

Excuses, excuses.

Random Fact: The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.

I Like Me Time

I am so sick of slow internet. It's not just an irritation... it's an inconvenience as I try to talk to my parents, friends, teachers... It fluctuates so randomly. I'll have amazing connection, then none, then low, then excellent, then none...

I want to tell the school to stick it where it hurts, but it's not even their fault. All of New Zealand is behind on the whole 'fiber optics' deal.

I think it's mainly getting to me now because since I've gotten back from Australia, I've been wanting to show pictures, uploading and sharing through GoogleTalk, but it's been a job and a half for me to show people things.

I'm also not ready for school. I've skipped classes that I normally wouldn't skip, and though it's fine because it's only once, I'd rather I'd not done it at all. I'm in New Zealand, and it's important for me to get these grades up for when they transfer. I just can't get back in the mode. Two weeks of freedom, traveling around and meeting random people, and I'm ready to keep doing so. School is so monotonous. And I know I have at least another year after this (more if I decide to do my second major, even more if I want a masters).

I'll probably end up taking a year off before going to Masters, though... Maybe.

I just want to get schooling done so I can live my life, though, technically, I'm supposed to be living it in college because that's what college is supposed to be all about--learning new stuff but staying young.

And I'm having such a good time, laying back and not worrying. It's a relief to not do anything, no expectations.

But I know it's not to last. A life isn't supposed to be like that. There needs to be that responsibility. There needs to be discipline. But maybe that's my problem. I'm giving myself so much discipline that part of me is finally revolting against it's stupid rules. Against the fact that working hard doesn't always necessarily mean you'll get what you want, but not working hard usually does.

If only life were like a video game. The RPGs I play always have justice in the end. You fight your hardest, you go against evil in the face, you get the benefits now as well.

And you get a cool sword, shield, magic and maybe you get to find the love of your life while you're at it.

It's a small test for myself, really. The ability to just trudge onward, like a mile of upward hill, a few more yards away and then getting to the top to look around for a while, then slowly coming down.

Maybe I am at the top. And I'm just unwilling to get down because it took so long to get there.

Or maybe I'm just looking too into it and should just do what I'm told.

In the end, I know I'll be fine. I've never been able to not go forward. I'm the type that gets bored either way.

But until then, I'm liking this sleeping in, reading and talking with friends and family. I still have two months before I get home. Next week, real work is around the bend.

In other news, a Kiwi was completely shocked to hear that Minnesota lottery gets up over on hundred million because theirs rarely get up over ten. Even with the exchange rate, things are so expensive here, it wouldn't last.

Things I'd Do With Fifty Million Dollars:
*Pay off parents bills
*Give parents trip to Australia
*Buy brother loads of video games, 360 Elite and great sound system to go with his new LCD TV (maybe a bigger one if he wants it as well)
*Pay off college loans
*Go on full paid trip with Mandikat (Japan)
*Buy only organic foods
*Get another tattoo
*Go on full paid trip with Ashley (Greece)
*Give charity to Humane Societies
*Write all day long for three days in a row
*Play video games all day long for three days in a row
*Buy ellipse workout system
*Who knows what else

Random Fact: 'Jedi' is an official religion, with over 70,000 followers, in Australia.

Always Testing

Things have gone considerably better since the last I've written. I took the time to apologize to Clarie and try to explain my craziness (which, in my opinion, has no excuse...). All that can really be done is prove that I'm only crazy a quarter of the time. I'm thankful for understanding people; with being in a whole new country, people freaking out about papers and tests and then also getting ready to go on an adventure for only ten days, everyone is edgy (she explained). It's like a webpage that doesn't fully load at first. Just hit re-fresh and it'll be just fine.

Unless it's for freaking Linux. Fuck you, Linux.

Some of the greatest news is my papers I've been doing for classes. The media paper I did a few weeks ago, I got back and found I received an high B, the only reason for it not being higher because I don't know the New Zealand gaming media yet. From what I did receive, he said I had a very good information, detailed and clear.

The speech I did today on video game rating systems (and why parents shouldn't be angry at higher rated video games) went very well, seeing as I got the highest score in the class. I blended the ideals of how the rating systems work with the idea of it's really the parents who should be explaining the difference between fantasy and reality, then adding in a little of "maybe we should just get rid of the news and movies and television shows as well, if you're worried about violence."

Of course, all this is doing for me is the fact that, if I keep getting good grades with my video game ideals/writings, I'll keep leaning in towards the fact that I should be making my career out of such. It's something I know, obviously something I can do, and it'd be great to be in the field, meeting the people who make these god-like games.

Plus, I'm all for the fact that I'm a woman in the industry of video gaming. Boost of moral, definitely.

Now, it's on to a test, in which people are already cheating on (considering it's an online test). Unfortunately for me, I haven't bought the books for the class yet. Fortunately for me, everything is in the notes I've been taking (so the teacher claims). I'm more nervous on the fact that it's such a boring class, and very "Um... DUH." I may have accidentally blown something in the notes section, thinking it was mindless when it was actually something important (this is a shout out to all those teachers who cause students to have glazed eyes in the first three minutes of class...).

As it is, I'm confident I'll at least pass.

It also doesn't hurt that any grade I get in New Zealand bumps up to the next grade level when I transfer the grades. BOO-YAH!!

Random Fact: The man who created the Thighmaster was once a Bhuddist Monk.

Quiet Luxuries

Today was rather lazy, as, for the first time since I've arrived in New Zealand, I slept in until noon, maybe a bit past. I hadn't meant to, but my alarm didn't go off (I think I have to figure that damned thing out...) and I ended up missing breakfast. I ultimately got up, took a shower, was asked to go to the gym, went to the gym, went on elipse-like contraption that kicked my ass for fifteen minutes, did yoga for fifteen more minutes, took another quick shower, then primped my room.

I then started to read through some of the material my papers gave me, thinking it'd be useful.

Boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring... wait, what's this?

I looked and saw a "One more thing..." which is never good. It basically said that they have to have a certain amount of As, Bs and Cs. Which meant that people could be getting grades they don't deserve either way.

I freaking hate our school systems. They are making students get As or Cs because they decide to have some sort of "quota"???

Whatever happened to school in which working hard at what you did was the real value? I remember specifically in the eighth grade, working my ass off on projects for my art class, and around would come the time for school confrences. My teacher would then explain why I was receiving a B-, when I'd never gotten anything under an A+ in the course in my life.

Maybe that's what's wrong with our world. We're so stoked up on perfection and beauty that we can't just teach our kids that being a decent human being is a good thing as well.

In other words, I can't believe I'm paying shitloads of money for things I don't even like. It's "people pleasing" to be truthful. I'm more willing to learn if I could just learn, rather than taking certain classes that I can put on a diploma so some person in a high chair can say, "Yeah, she's good to work at minimum wage!"

In separate news, someone asked how many people died in Harry Potter, but I couldn't click into their page because I don't think it exists? Either way, let's just say a lot. Major people? A lot. Deaths in general? A lot.

Halocaust anyone? Yeah....

In short: the book was intense. It was also odd because Harry isn't in school like normal. Usually, the setting is Hogwarts, but every one knows that, since the end of the sixth novel, the decision Harry makes means skipping out on his last year.

Anyways, I have to look up two poems from 1970-onward because it has to be something I enjoy. I don't read poetry. I suck at writing it (unless it's prose). And I'm definitely not liking how many hours each class is demanding of me.

But it's nice to be in New Zealand while I take them.

Random Fact: About twenty-five percent of the population sneeze when they are exposed to light.

Yarn And Beer

I decided that it was definitely cold here, but I didn't want to buy myself a scarf--so I made one by buying yarn and a crocheting needle. When everyone saw what I was doing, I ended up promising to make a few to the others as long as they bought the yarn.

So, yes, mother, I'm doing half of what I already do in the states ^_~

As for schooling, it's getting a little difficult with the "Lectures" and "Tutorials," in which we make our own schedules, but they don't always work out when there are a small number of people. I'm also kind of worried about the workload I'm required to do, considering a few of my classes say they require at least 12.5 hours per week (and that was my writing poetry class!). If this is the case, I won't be seeing much of New Zealand or having much of a social life. I already don't drink.

They have an interesting way of placing things about, though. I'm used to having a syllabus smacked at me that says, "DO THIS SO YOU CAN PASS," whereas they don't typically tell us to really do anything. We have to go down to a Student Centre, tell them our courses and then we receive huge packets that are called "Study Guides." They help us through the courses, apparently. So, we have to read certain parts of our books, read these study guides to go along with them before each class so then the teacher can go on with more information, but reference to the before information while he/she is at it. I'm beginning to see why most people take only two courses.

However, as it stands, for me to be able to take out the loans I am taking, the classes that are transferring must accumulate enough credits so that I can actually take them out. I don't think my university would be too pleased to find that I didn't have enough courses. (though maybe I could just take an incomplete and do the thing later...?)

I haven't got much news for my "clubs" or "organizations." I've heard they are scraping up people, but nothing has been said. One of the teachers said I could sit in on her class, and she's also more than wanting me to speak in front of it about "culture shock," which I replied I'd be more than happy to do. I've realized that culture shock doesn't have to be big--it's really the small comforts that can cause it.

I've been told Bob Dylan is coming to town here, and I'm seeing if it happens to be during the time of break--that'd be an experience. So would getting another tattoo (don't be surprised if I come home with another one!).

I've yet to make some "real" friends. I should just remember that it's only been a day, but still. Connections are hard when not only is there a small culture barrier, but also the fact that I am coming in on the second semester. And that I don't drink.

Have I mentioned that drinking is more than huge here? I have to give props to a fellow American who doesn't drink, yet still goes out with all of the peeps. She's definitely got something that I don't. I find it hard to be around people who do more than socially drink.

As it is, I'm off to the "common room" to see whom else I can meet. I do believe I accidentally blew off a meeting when I was out getting a city library card.

Oops.

Random Fact: Not missing much yet!

There's A Sign...

...by this computer that demands people to never have pornography on it. It's one of the last computers in the superlab and makes me very self-conscious. Who the hell would watch porn in public? And why is it only on these back computers?

I'm very scared for the keyboard I'm touching.

In other news, I hate taxes. I can't even begin to explain the hatred for governmental issues/papers/anything that involves money. They make things complicated and I feel as if I'm always doing something wrong whenever such a paper is placed in front of me. I could make a joke about marrying a Jew, but it doesn't matter. Because I do want to marry a Jew. And it has nothing to do with money reasons.

As it is, we don't have class on Thursday, but I'm spending it cleaning the studio, then having a party afterwards, which I'm greatly interested in. To say the least, I'm beginning to feel greatly involved in the process, and I'm sad to leave because they have ideas for the summer to keep the show going, in which I wish I could be involved. The little community we've created is really something, and I can't help but feel finally apart of something. Sure, theatre was fun and junk, but everyone was so different, and hanging outside of the class wasn't what we all did. Drinking and drugs were often involved during those days, and I ended up spending most of my time playing video games. But, interestingly enough, I'm finding myself willing to give up my gaming time to work on this. I love it. The camera, graphics, making posters and anything else is fun, takes up time and I'm really proud of what we're accomplishing. Theatre never really did that for me--it was always really dramatic, and though I had fun, there were many parts that just didn't spark my interest. Everything in this sparks my interest. Just like writing. Mom, Dad, I think I've found my ninche.

What makes me more happy (and a little scared) is that if I don't get accepted into Massey University, I'm excited to know that I've still got something running for me, and I won't be disappointed. I'll go to New Zealand wishing I could have stayed awesomely involved, but I have something to look forward to. Whereas, if I have to stay, I still have something to awesomely look forward to. And, if possible, I could actually stay here the summer with Work Study and do the television show. With no school, my whole heart and soul could go into this and I could start the thing that sparked my entire life up to originally get involved with the Mass Communications in the first place.

Either way, I can't lose.

Looking at things this way, I'm finding I'm at peace with whatever happens. It's taken a lot of stress off my shoulders.

I'm still rooting for New Zealand, though. PLEASE accept me!!!

Right. No more skipping classes. Operation Mallory Works Ass Off is in gear (as it should have been, rather than the starter working for only a few seconds, then turning off). I've always found school to be boring. I roll my eyes a lot when I think of school. I like to learn--in fact, I love to learn. But I hate what comes along with it. Teachers tend to forget we have other classes, and people in general tend to forget how many students have jobs to support themselves, sometimes kids/families and even athletics. There's little room for social life. And though I agree that school is about learning and getting out in the world, when is there ever time to officially have time for anything?

Quite often, I feel that all school does is transition teenagers into the world of working and no life because we created it and don't know how to stop it. There are so many people out there not doing what they love because, if they do, they won't have enough money to continue living life comfortably. What is it that someone said about the rich becoming richer and the poor becoming poorer? That, soon, there won't be a middle class? Just poor and rich? And who's okay with this?

I sometimes wonder why I even consider such problems. In all reality, I'll live through all of this still going on because, even if it does change, it'll take a crap-load of years until it goes through and I won't be alive when it happens. Sure, I should care about what will happen to my children, but time goes much faster than we believe. I still see myself as a sixteen-year-old, and that sixteen-year-old remembers the days when Josh was a best friend. Of pretending a flotation device was blown up and we were the only ones left alive. Of running around the neighbor's yard from a weiner dog who scored a bite on my right wrist. Of wearing every single necklace I owned in the seventh grade because I couldn't choose which was my favorite.

But, the point of the matter is, I only remember those certain memories. How many times did I eat Mac & Cheese, romp around with friends, never take the time to chew a burger? My mind's erased them. It decided they were unimportant and, without my conscious knowledge, I waved them away, making time seem effortless and unattainable. I want so much in the future because I don't have the time now to really "waste". The future is everywhere. What's at the end of a book? Video game? Tunnel? Blog? Music video? Thought? It's the anticipation of it all, the need to know.

And we'll never really know with us. When does it really "end"? Some believe nothing. Some believe everything.

If I think too much on the matter, it wastes the time I wish to have. Yet, if I don't even consider it, it's looked down upon, that it's too ditzy and irresponsible.

Ah, balance. You just keep coming back to me.

Random Fact: The powder on chewing gum is finely-ground marble.

Pirate PJs

Yeah. They're so cool. Knock those socks off, they will. And they're pink. Jealous? I thought so.

To be quite honest, I've been finding my blog homework to be more difficult than thought, if only because it takes up a lot of my time, but things keep coming up and I promise to have things done the next time. I have millions of things written down, waiting for me to show the world what I have to say on the matter. In fact, I'm rather proud of my God of War II post; it's not just long, but I had a lot of fun writing it. I adore that game so very much.

Also, see 300 if you have not yet. First experience of mine was in the IMAX theatre; best experience of my life. I've an upcoming third showing soon, but, though more expensive, IMAX is definitely the way to go. In fact, I think they purposefully made the movie for the IMAX. However, all in all, I've been in a slightly Danielle Steel novel ever since--I've never read Danielle Steel, but if I did and found the books interesting, I'm sure this is how it would feel like. A constant feeling of euphoria whenever thinking of a Spartan. Mmmmmmmmmm. Spartans.....

As for anything else, I've been slightly better before. My roommate informed me that I needed to find a place for the last month of school because our lease was misinformed and, in fact, we're supposed to be out in April. Which means, for all of May, I'm fucked. I've come up with slight ideas, but I need to confirm them with calls to people I read about in the paper. As if this past month hasn't been interesting enough. I just don't know what to do anymore. Emotional status has definitely taken a toll.

Also, my MP3 player isn't being as beauteous as I expect it to be. For some reason, the screen has gone blank and it won't officially turn on, though it was fully charged and everything. I looked on the website to see if it was a FAQ and, sure enough, there was something to the effect about it. I'm nursing my sweetie right now back to it's original health, but if it doesn't work, I'm going to take a slight course into Agitated Caller and demand another player. It's cost way too much money for me to be unable to listen to my music, and for it to cause this much strife (I've already had several calls when I first got it because the music would randomly be deleted) just makes me very irritated.

In other news, I'm heartbroken and tired. Going to school has become a chore, and getting myself out of bed is like tugging an air balloon down all by myself. I get carried away and end up sleeping away the classes I told myself the night before I'd be going to. It's only happened twice, but I refuse to make a habit of this. I've officially made a schedule for my next weeks, and I'm sticking to it. Let's refer to it as a late New Year Resolution. I didn't make one this year. So, here we are.

Random Fact: Rubberbands last longer when refrigerated

Durrrrrrrrr

As it turns out, Morgan had commented on my Wiki. I thought he'd forgotten about me, but all I had to do is actually say "Display Comment" and it would pop up to let me know that I sucked it up.

This has been a Blonde Moment.

Brought to you by H2O. Don't drink too much; you'll drown!


Random Fact: Austria was the first country to use postcards.

During Class Today

While talking about all of the Wiki-ness, I couldn't help but think of that one person on the internet who's obsessed about his own writing.

Wouldn't it be funny to have that person on the Wiki keep writing everywhere "Stop changing that!!!" and placing things back to how he had them, constantly changing his page because people would continue to change what he's written anyway? It'd first start out as someone just correcting something he'd said, but then it'd turn into this game of pissing him off.

Because, hey, let's face it. Whiny people on the internet are hilarious. They actually think their opinions matter.

Plus, we all know what the kid wanted was attention--he's just getting it back a little more negatively than he thought he would.

Random Fact: Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards.