...by this computer that demands people to never have pornography on it. It's one of the last computers in the superlab and makes me very self-conscious. Who the hell would watch porn in public? And why is it only on these back computers?
I'm very scared for the keyboard I'm touching.
In other news, I hate taxes. I can't even begin to explain the hatred for governmental issues/papers/anything that involves money. They make things complicated and I feel as if I'm always doing something wrong whenever such a paper is placed in front of me. I could make a joke about marrying a Jew, but it doesn't matter. Because I do want to marry a Jew. And it has nothing to do with money reasons.
As it is, we don't have class on Thursday, but I'm spending it cleaning the studio, then having a party afterwards, which I'm greatly interested in. To say the least, I'm beginning to feel greatly involved in the process, and I'm sad to leave because they have ideas for the summer to keep the show going, in which I wish I could be involved. The little community we've created is really something, and I can't help but feel finally apart of something. Sure, theatre was fun and junk, but everyone was so different, and hanging outside of the class wasn't what we all did. Drinking and drugs were often involved during those days, and I ended up spending most of my time playing video games. But, interestingly enough, I'm finding myself willing to give up my gaming time to work on this. I love it. The camera, graphics, making posters and anything else is fun, takes up time and I'm really proud of what we're accomplishing. Theatre never really did that for me--it was always really dramatic, and though I had fun, there were many parts that just didn't spark my interest. Everything in this sparks my interest. Just like writing. Mom, Dad, I think I've found my ninche.
What makes me more happy (and a little scared) is that if I don't get accepted into Massey University, I'm excited to know that I've still got something running for me, and I won't be disappointed. I'll go to New Zealand wishing I could have stayed awesomely involved, but I have something to look forward to. Whereas, if I have to stay, I still have something to awesomely look forward to. And, if possible, I could actually stay here the summer with Work Study and do the television show. With no school, my whole heart and soul could go into this and I could start the thing that sparked my entire life up to originally get involved with the Mass Communications in the first place.
Either way, I can't lose.
Looking at things this way, I'm finding I'm at peace with whatever happens. It's taken a lot of stress off my shoulders.
I'm still rooting for New Zealand, though. PLEASE accept me!!!
Right. No more skipping classes. Operation Mallory Works Ass Off is in gear (as it should have been, rather than the starter working for only a few seconds, then turning off). I've always found school to be boring. I roll my eyes a lot when I think of school. I like to learn--in fact, I love to learn. But I hate what comes along with it. Teachers tend to forget we have other classes, and people in general tend to forget how many students have jobs to support themselves, sometimes kids/families and even athletics. There's little room for social life. And though I agree that school is about learning and getting out in the world, when is there ever time to officially have time for anything?
Quite often, I feel that all school does is transition teenagers into the world of working and no life because we created it and don't know how to stop it. There are so many people out there not doing what they love because, if they do, they won't have enough money to continue living life comfortably. What is it that someone said about the rich becoming richer and the poor becoming poorer? That, soon, there won't be a middle class? Just poor and rich? And who's okay with this?
I sometimes wonder why I even consider such problems. In all reality, I'll live through all of this still going on because, even if it does change, it'll take a crap-load of years until it goes through and I won't be alive when it happens. Sure, I should care about what will happen to my children, but time goes much faster than we believe. I still see myself as a sixteen-year-old, and that sixteen-year-old remembers the days when Josh was a best friend. Of pretending a flotation device was blown up and we were the only ones left alive. Of running around the neighbor's yard from a weiner dog who scored a bite on my right wrist. Of wearing every single necklace I owned in the seventh grade because I couldn't choose which was my favorite.
But, the point of the matter is, I only remember those certain memories. How many times did I eat Mac & Cheese, romp around with friends, never take the time to chew a burger? My mind's erased them. It decided they were unimportant and, without my conscious knowledge, I waved them away, making time seem effortless and unattainable. I want so much in the future because I don't have the time now to really "waste". The future is everywhere. What's at the end of a book? Video game? Tunnel? Blog? Music video? Thought? It's the anticipation of it all, the need to know.
And we'll never really know with us. When does it really "end"? Some believe nothing. Some believe everything.
If I think too much on the matter, it wastes the time I wish to have. Yet, if I don't even consider it, it's looked down upon, that it's too ditzy and irresponsible.
Ah, balance. You just keep coming back to me.
Random Fact: The powder on chewing gum is finely-ground marble.