Wednesday, April 22, 2009

This Is The Dream Of Mallory

Here I am again, weighing the positives against the negatives.

I guess the main question is, am I continuing to be an RA for the right reasons?

With school as it is, things are becoming chores. Things are becoming obligations, rather than "fun ways to build a community."

And my residents deserve someone who will work hard at creating the life they so crave. Where they can throw garbage and not have repercussions. Where mandatory meetings are dreams. Where respect is optional.

Actually, they deserve an RA that causes them to not even want to do any of those things.

I think it may be because I'm twenty-two years old now, and more than half of my floor is nineteen or under. It's not necessarily a wisdom thing, but I'm focusing on myself right now (rightfully so, as I'm graduating next fall).

But it's also the knowledge that I don't get to do what I want to anymore. I can't visit my parents as often as I'd like, I can't make any money, can't go out as often as I'd like (and if I do, I feel guilty because I'm not on my floor), there's the constant worry of how I'm doing academically, physically, emotionally, and how the floor and I are working. All the time.

And every time I look at the pros, I think, "Free room and board. Social atmosphere. Possibly, resume."

I've just lost my passion for it. This summer looks promising, fun, even... But next year? I could go back and forth on what I actually want to do for days on end.

And the freedom.

But I also know that you get out of the job what you put into the job. It is now whether or not I want to continue to put in. I already feel as if I've dissipated--it's the end of the year, again, so I'm working hard on projects, getting sleep, and studying, just like the other students. Perhaps they forget that I am a person, too?

However, next year will have me in an entirely different building.

What I want is to work on my projects, and have other time to do what I love as well. I'd like to be able to help others, but know that I can help me when the time needs it as well. I want to be the person I love all of the time, not most of it.

I need to know what's right.

I need to think this out all over again...

Random Facts: Being an RA, whether you enjoy the job or not, is a huge challenge in-of itself.

1 comment:

Amber said...

Its like going every direction at once isn't it? The ups and downs, pros and cons, pushing and pulling. Just dont lose yourself. You are too important!