Paper For Class

“Shouldn’t I have all of this and passionate kisses.”
-Mary Chapin Carpenter

I deserve the world.

A lot of people say this. In fact, I’m sure they pray for it every night, though they may not say it in those exact words. They will say them as, “Please let me win the lottery,” or “Make that dick who just passed me speed his way into a cop.” However, they do not deserve the world.

I do.

And, in a nicely fashioned numerical order, I’ll tell you why.

1. I work hard.

This isn’t to say that other’s don’t. In fact, I know plenty of people who work just as hard as me, if not harder. However, I am a college student, with student loans that I will probably not be able to afford to pay off later due to the fact that I have chosen a career that, unless someone finds it amusing enough to print, and others find it amusing still and buy it, I am completely fucked. Yet, despite this hardship, I keep right at it. I continue down the path of writing and making film because, in my heart, I am doing what I truly what I want to do.

And that is what separates me from the other hard workers. How many people can say that they are not only working hard, but they are working hard on their dream? Most are working hard, but hating their job every moment, as their dreams lie in being a fire fighter, or a painter, perhaps even a person who does voiceovers for silly commercials. I, against many who tell me I should be doing otherwise, am doing what I love.

Just in the middle of Spring Semester, I applied to have my tuition paid for by the Minnesota Rural CEP, a workforce center. Two weeks later, in which I had called and fervently tried to get an interview, I received a letter that said I was perfect in every eligible way to have this grant--but, they said, “we are not looking for someone in your field right now.” Imagine feeling as if you’ve spent four years doing something, paying for something, that you were so proud of, only to have someone say that it was a waste of time (at least, in so many words). I spent the better of a good two weeks wondering what I was doing with my life, if I was making right decisions on where I was going to be. However, every single time I made a list of other possibilities, or sat down to contemplate, all I could think of was how unhappy I would be, and that, though I may not be making extreme money, or that no one “needs” my special talents, they wouldn’t have to answer to me at the end of the day. They wouldn’t have to go to bed at night sad, or wake up and realize they weren’t doing what they were truly meant to be doing with their hearts.

Plus, there is also the fact that I hold three jobs. I work as a Resident Assistant, which accumulates up to being not only having your own drama and emotions, but everyone else’s as well. I also work at Gamestop, a retail job that, though may have better scenery than other places, in the end is just selling things to people, and trying to keep them happy. The last is working at as a secretary on campus, where people call wanting all sorts of information, and if you don’t know it, then one is ridiculed via phone, as it is much easier to tell someone what terrible people they are when you don’t have to see them face-to-face. But I persevere, doing my best to remain calm, and do what needs to be done. I even manage to have some free time, taken with even more appreciation than another.

2. I have a great balance between being compassionate and having my needs taken care of as well.

You may be thinking, “That’s great that you have a healthy balance for that and all, but the people who are always compassionate no matter what are the one’s who deserve the world!” And I ask you to take care to read my reasoning before jumping to conclusions.

Think about it. Someone who is always putting someone else first is the greatest kindness of all, but how long can they go on doing such before there is a breaking point? Would someone who had the entire world do well if they were out of business just as often as they were in because they were breaking down? Plus, other’s would just take advantage of the poor soul, and then where would we be? In a world where everyone but that person deserving it having it.

No, I deserve to have the world because I can handle what is given to me. I’m not saying that having three jobs, plus always having great work ethics, doesn’t put a strain on things. This is why I take vacations, volunteer, write, and make film. Work hard, play hard. Plus, always doing what one loves is never work, so the stresses that are involved with my job are the good kinds of stress, the ones that make you work harder, and make you feel better at the end of the day when achieving success. Even a failure seems somewhat fantastic, as it means that one learns from the mistake.

3. I’m not too bad to look at, with smarts and a sense of humor to boot.

So, I’m not a model. However, I do have a great smile, glasses with personality, and really long hair that’s healthy. In fact, I’m overall a pretty healthy person. I eat what’s proper, and some that’s not (can’t help the brownie loving, or the fact that I love ice cream). I’m human, and I understand that I am.

Besides the looks, I am a pretty smart girl, definitely above average if not closer to the top. I’ve got on the Dean’s list the past few semesters, in fact. And the fact that I’m smart doesn’t get in the way with social skills, but instead embellishes my witty charm. Sometimes, beauty doesn’t give the boon of a good brain, and whether this is because the person doesn’t have the IQ, or because being beautiful never demanded them of using their brain in anything besides smiling and looking pretty, this hasn’t affected the way I live or work in the least. If it helps, I didn’t even consider myself a beauty until much later in my life, as I was a “late bloomer.” According to Hollywood, this means I am perfect in deserving the world, and the boy. And the only thing Hollywood lies about is the fact that when you shoot something, that doesn’t deem it worthy of blowing up.

In addition, having a sense of humor means that I love to laugh. “Laughter is the best medicine.” Though this may not be so true for curing, it’s definitely the best for having a healthy mind and heart. I even laugh at myself, which is the most important laughter of all. After all, it is said to never “take yourself seriously. No one else does.” And, yet again, I find myself with a niche for seriousness and humor. With as much stress, though positive, this is a much needed aspect in someone who deserves the world.

Now, I understand that everyone has their own definition of what “the world” entails. That some will still, regardless of my reasoning, declare me unworthy of the world. But this does not take away from my deserving it. It also doesn’t take away from me trying to have it. After all, with such deductions as I have said above, one would expect nothing less.

And that's why I deserve the world.

Ideally...

I would normally try to make an excuse here of how busy I am as a why I have not updated in many weeks.

But I'm not really that busy. I actually have Monday's, Thursday's, and Saturday's off, in which I should probably be writing and sending off papers to my individual study I'm taking, but, instead, I replay old video games I haven't had the chance to beat for some time, watch an old video, sleep... The things I used to do every day when I was a teen.

Ah, to be a teen again. I find it humorous that so long ago, I thought I knew the world, and now that I realize I didn't, I now feel that I know the world. A lesson learned is to be learned over and over again.

But enough about those silly things. I've hashed those principles over and over again, and the only thing they lead me to doing is to enjoy the now and prepare only slightly for the future (because, we all need to be flexible, non?).

But it's that flexibility matter. Throughout my entire life, it will always be. Never mind the need to stretch your muscles, but mind the flexibility of our minds and morals. Of what we choose is correct, and what is not.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm making a list inside of my head in what I feel is okay for me, and for others, to do. I could come up with these graphs, put them on display within my perimeter, allow people to read them before deciding to approach me. Or not to.

I feel at the moment that this would waste less time in my future. Perhaps speed dating isn't all that bad of an idea, if one thinks about having to place everything on the table. Two minutes to interest someone, or get out.

But then, that's just depressing, isn't it?

Instead, we flounder ourselves about, filling out applications via body language and spoken word, hoping and wishing for what we want most out of life. This could be a lover, a friend, to be left alone, to laugh, to smile, or even to kill (in those bad cases).

I've often looked down upon those who put on a facade. Why pretend something you could care less about? But then, there are rules to these unknown games people play daily.

Many of these things can be chalked up to just being polite. For instance: Don't like someone? Don't talk to them. Unless, of course, they talk to you, in which case, be polite, but not too short, because then they'll know something is up. Just as being bored in a conversation--try to listen, but fade out a little to think of something you'd rather be talking about or doing; then, when they seem to be asking you a question, don't bother telling them they weren't interesting enough to keep your attention, but have a non-committed noise come from your mouth, such as "Uh-huh," or "Oh," and possibly "Perhaps," which just indicates that you have your own opinion on the matter, but it's too complicated to really get into at the moment.

That's the blessing of friends, I suppose. Whereas everyone else in the world judges you by a simple look, a friend (a real friend, mind you), is one that only judges at rare times, and does everything else without a question. Yes, they may laugh when you don't want them to, but, in the end, all that matters is that they're still there. A true friend is one that will help hide the body.

I sometimes wonder about my commitment toward these things. Amber, who is more busy than I am, has managed to see me and come bearing gifts (which, by the way, couldn't have held much more of the spirit of who I am--a crocheted blanket, my very own teapot, and The Prince of Dreams, all about Neil Gaiman? I'm so pleased, I could hug you forever!).

I sometimes feel as if I find myself only to lose it as I continue to question my way of living. As I become older, I realize things I wish weren't true. Like giving up certain hobbies because I suddenly only have time for some. Or that you have to do many things you don't like in order to get where you want to be in life, such as a shitty job, or giving up one goal to achieve another.

You can't always get what you want.

Random Fact; But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.

Possible Satan Spawn

Anyone who thinks that Poison Sumac is an act of God, THEY'RE WRONG.

I have summer after summer of proof of this.

Between the tea tree oil, the Ivarest, the having it on your hands and arms and face to make one look like a mid-transformed dragon, and also making usual tasks a difficult feat, I can safely say that this creation was not God. God would never want this suffering upon someone.

I have been thankful that this case of sumac (or ivy, or oak... who the hell cares, it's THERE) hasn't been exactly itchy. The scale is on a low 1-2. However, on the annoying scale, it has received a high 15, over the thought highest peak of 10.

This morning, just as I was about to do a dance because I noticed my face has been becoming normal, I took notice that my hand was worse, and that I had an addition to that arm. My other arm wasn't looking any different, and I realized that my neck portion was probably going to take the longest, as my long hair and sleeping methods don't work as well.

Speaking of sleeping, it has been HELL.

The doctor said that I should sleep with a towel so I don't have to wash my sheets so often. This has proved so uncomfortable that I don't think I'm ever really sleeping. It's uncomfortable on my face, so I move to my back, but I never sleep on my back, so I can't sleep. It's like I'm sleeping on an airplane.

To make matters worse, I still have some scenes to shoot for my documentary, but I look like some raw blow fish. I can barely even edit my movies because moving the mouse and typing will either cause my sumac to become irritated because I'm moving against it, or my arms become sore since I'm holding them up very strategically so nothing gets touched.

Between these, I clean my dorm every day, freaked that something still holds the oils from the plant that did this to me.

I just want to have this over with.

But, per usual, this is only so much in my control.

Random Fact: Urushiol oil (the stuff that gives you a rash) stays active on any surface, including dead plants, for up to 5 years.

Adoration

I have an unfathomable love for certain men I've chosen to adore throughout my life. Some left as soon as they entered (teenage years had me loving people whom I later realized were for looks, not anything else). But, these are some that I will never shake.

David Bowie

As a friend once said, "David Bowie is like wine... he gets even better with age." I suppose the future will really tell true, but, until then, I will always get goosebumps when I think of his concert (best I've been to so far, hands down). I don't know what else to say. I understand that he's not the greatest actor, but, damn his music just touches my soul. I cannot ever place how much I adore him.

I also think he has a great sense of humor (see Extras).

Jeff Goldblum

He's funny, Jewish, and likes the environment. Whenever I talk about the guy I want in a relationship, my guy friends always use his name to pick on me, saying we were a match made in heaven.

I wish.

Neil Gaiman

This love is a little different. This love started with creativity, where I read a book by him, saw a film based on a book of his, and perked interest. I then found out that he did comics. And I read more of his books. And saw more of his movies.

I would love to shake this man's hand in hopes of ever creating such wonder. He'd be an awesometastic uncle.

Jon Stewart

I don't think I need to explain this.

Well Liked:
Christian Bale - Oddly enough, this was because of Howl's Moving Castle. I respect him now.
Tim Curry - Great actor. Love most of his work.
Dustin Hoffman - Wonderful everything. He makes me want to be an actoress.
Johnny Depp - He made me want to be an actress. Though he started doing films quite regularly now, slightly ruining the effect he once had on me, he still has my heart.
Shigeru Miyamoto - He created Legend of Zelda.
Owen Pallett - Most recent love. His music...
Paul Rudd - It started with Clueless. It's continued with the fact that he was on Friends, and then he appeared in "Wainy Days" in The Pickup. Also, props for Role Models.

Random Fact: These were the only ones I could think of at this time. And the only reason why John Krasinski wasn't on the list was because I've yet to like a movie he is in (but, hot damn, I'd totally date him).

/edit: I forgot to put Will Smith. I don't even know why. I've loved him since the day I saw him on TV.

It's Real

Today, while I was in the car with Russell, I confided in him that I sometimes think of my car, and how, even after I put on the brake, though it is fully stopped, when I let it go, I know that it would still creep forward at a speed to smack the back end of another car, and leave a nice good mark. "It's weird," I said.

Yet, I feel like I do this with life all the time. I forget to keep a hold on my brake, and so I creep forward, then smack into something, making a dent. Sometimes, I can't afford the repairs. And I move on, hoping that the dents will be fixed, or maybe replaced with a new body.

And I look around and see the damage on everyone else. A dent here. Some paint scratched there. And the price that has to be paid in order to fix it.

In most cases, seeing what everyone else has to repair is when we look at ourselves to manage what we've got.

I see mine.

I see one that is on my right pointer finger. The paint is scuffed where I judge others. Where I compare values. Where I gossip.

Another is a spot on the bottom of my foot, only exposed when I choose so. A little bent out of shape because of being self conscious, about weight, thoughts, situations... This fender bender is fixed most often, just as often as it's re-bent.

At the nape of my neck is a sputtering engine, where I think too much. Two lines from being keyed, from where I put my hands in too deep. Behind my right ear is where I won't listen, the radio that only receives static.

I see a small dent, near my left knee, where I can't love like I once did.

I also see the good things.

My right shoulder, a windshield wiper, holding my sense of humor. The fluid to wash it is my awkwardness.

My left elbow, the door that only shuts if you slam it hard enough, is my ability to give a great hug.

All of my toes hold my intuition (door locks, of course).

My wrists hold my inner beauty, just like a wheel, how it drives the course.

I love my car. Sometimes, I get frustrated; but I wouldn't trade it in for anything. It can still be fixed up, but it's definitely not broken. I'll keep tuning it until I get it right.

Random Fact: No, Mom and Dad, this is not my way of telling you I got in a car accident. It's all a metaphor. Except for the remark on keeping my car--I love my Jeep (I'd totally still pimp it out though).