Saturday, January 26, 2008


Sometimes, I'll spend days pondering the most mundane detail. I've watched movies that I'll come back to weeks later and try to find some meaning of why I feel the need to keep coming back to what is only seen as entertainment value. We always try to find something meaningful when it really isn't, just so we feel better about our lives.

When I saw American Beauty for the first time, I found it rather ridiculous that a boy thought that video taping a plastic bag for five minutes was something interesting. I sometimes wondered if the director put that in there as a joke.

It's not that I've never found something "stupid" and found it more interesting than others. In fact, I think I think too much about things. It's just hard to talk about those kinds of things without other's thinking you're crazy, changing the subject or not responding in the least.

I like those who will humor me. Instead of saying, "Okaaaaaaaaaaay..." or "Where did that come from?" and getting offended for the oddest reason, they automatically answer truthfully, never skipping a beat.

I suppose this is the time to admit that I've been asked out a couple of times since being back, if not having passes made at me. It's been the oddest experiences with the best times these past few weeks, and all I can think about is that, in a sea of people who suddenly decided I'm worth their time, how am I suppose to find the one who is actually worth it?

I'm picky. I want what I want, and wasting time isn't my "thing."

A friend told me, "You don't have to feel guilty about going out with someone just to get experience of a boyfriend."

But I do. It's like I'd be lying to myself if I just started dating someone if we'd talked only twice. It could be old school, but I like hanging out a little before making some guy pay for dinner and a movie. And it makes me nervous when all attention is on me when I feel there are more important things for attention to be on.

I've just get these ideas of love being "I'll know," but there's no way to tell. You just follow your heart.

But my heart says wait until I know. And I'll know when I have a friend, not just someone who's willing to pay for dinner.

Random Fact: Nobody yet has explained satisfactorily why couples who marry in January, February, and March tend to have the highest divorce rates.

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