Wednesday, June 17, 2009


I would normally try to make an excuse here of how busy I am as a why I have not updated in many weeks.

But I'm not really that busy. I actually have Monday's, Thursday's, and Saturday's off, in which I should probably be writing and sending off papers to my individual study I'm taking, but, instead, I replay old video games I haven't had the chance to beat for some time, watch an old video, sleep... The things I used to do every day when I was a teen.

Ah, to be a teen again. I find it humorous that so long ago, I thought I knew the world, and now that I realize I didn't, I now feel that I know the world. A lesson learned is to be learned over and over again.

But enough about those silly things. I've hashed those principles over and over again, and the only thing they lead me to doing is to enjoy the now and prepare only slightly for the future (because, we all need to be flexible, non?).

But it's that flexibility matter. Throughout my entire life, it will always be. Never mind the need to stretch your muscles, but mind the flexibility of our minds and morals. Of what we choose is correct, and what is not.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm making a list inside of my head in what I feel is okay for me, and for others, to do. I could come up with these graphs, put them on display within my perimeter, allow people to read them before deciding to approach me. Or not to.

I feel at the moment that this would waste less time in my future. Perhaps speed dating isn't all that bad of an idea, if one thinks about having to place everything on the table. Two minutes to interest someone, or get out.

But then, that's just depressing, isn't it?

Instead, we flounder ourselves about, filling out applications via body language and spoken word, hoping and wishing for what we want most out of life. This could be a lover, a friend, to be left alone, to laugh, to smile, or even to kill (in those bad cases).

I've often looked down upon those who put on a facade. Why pretend something you could care less about? But then, there are rules to these unknown games people play daily.

Many of these things can be chalked up to just being polite. For instance: Don't like someone? Don't talk to them. Unless, of course, they talk to you, in which case, be polite, but not too short, because then they'll know something is up. Just as being bored in a conversation--try to listen, but fade out a little to think of something you'd rather be talking about or doing; then, when they seem to be asking you a question, don't bother telling them they weren't interesting enough to keep your attention, but have a non-committed noise come from your mouth, such as "Uh-huh," or "Oh," and possibly "Perhaps," which just indicates that you have your own opinion on the matter, but it's too complicated to really get into at the moment.

That's the blessing of friends, I suppose. Whereas everyone else in the world judges you by a simple look, a friend (a real friend, mind you), is one that only judges at rare times, and does everything else without a question. Yes, they may laugh when you don't want them to, but, in the end, all that matters is that they're still there. A true friend is one that will help hide the body.

I sometimes wonder about my commitment toward these things. Amber, who is more busy than I am, has managed to see me and come bearing gifts (which, by the way, couldn't have held much more of the spirit of who I am--a crocheted blanket, my very own teapot, and The Prince of Dreams, all about Neil Gaiman? I'm so pleased, I could hug you forever!).

I sometimes feel as if I find myself only to lose it as I continue to question my way of living. As I become older, I realize things I wish weren't true. Like giving up certain hobbies because I suddenly only have time for some. Or that you have to do many things you don't like in order to get where you want to be in life, such as a shitty job, or giving up one goal to achieve another.

You can't always get what you want.

Random Fact; But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.

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