Monday, December 1, 2008

For Super Cereal

Relationships have always seemed to deem more important to me than much else in the world--sad, but true, no matter how I place it. I can try to explain that I can honestly tell you what I find more important and less important, what distracts me or not, during a time of me needing to study or do what I need to do in life. However, no matter how I try to describe it, I will come off as someone who seems to find what others do more important than what I do.

When I realized this factor only matters in what I've decided to do since that moment, and whether I have done any progress to better fine tune myself so I may live my own life, whilst also caring for what I care for.

Never have I felt so swept away with emotion than of the late, at least to a point of not knowing what to do and finally deciding that all I can really do is to not do anything until I come up with a better plan.

Despite what the above writing leans toward, I don't like drama. I try to avoid it at all costs. However, this semester finds me inexplicably, practically, married to it. If I choose the path of gossip, I am apart of a crowd, constantly falling over myself as I find words leaving my mouth before I can stop myself, which I end up hating later. If I go the path I have chosen more my past, I do a lot more fake smiling, nodding and being more myself, yet not as close with the staff.

I've been going toward the more studious path (secret number 3), which not only includes being alone more often, but trying to do things that will at least further me in my career. As I should be. But, I'm willing to face it--I let these things concern me for distraction. Else wise, I'm sure things would be so boring, such as over summer, that I'd find something else to complain about.

And the dances I swore not to dance? Suddenly, I find myself within a whole new realm of dancing I hadn't thought possible. It's as if I deleted a folder on my desktop, only to realize that the main hardware has yet to be completely uninstalled. Or perhaps this metaphor should go towards more of a virus that, when you think it's gone, it's really still lurking behind every icon you click on.

I guess I just wish that I could make my decisions at the moment, rather than a good few hours later. Amber says that it's something that no one has actually mastered. I beg to differ, but who am I to say the word?

Random Fact: The number one fear of Americans is public speaking. Number two is death.

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