To Siblings

That is a montage my brother and one of his friends made in around 2004 with Halo 2.

My brother and I never had the best of all relationships when I was younger. I mean, it was a typical relationship of brother/sister. Fighting, but still loving.

When I think back, I automatically think to video games. They've always been something we have in common, whether we agree or not about if it's good. I can't even begin to count the number of times I started to play a game and he stormed down the stairs and forced me off the console so he could play instead.

But I never really minded watching him play. Everything was silent, then, except for the noises from the game. The lights were turned off, us cuddled in blankets against pillows (me usually on top of the pool table), eyes focused on the screen--you know, the typical healthy American way. He'd play GoldenEye, Eternal Darkness, Jet Force Gemini... It wasn't until he changed his room to the basement that these moments drifted from my life. At times, I'd make my way down to find him playing in his room, and I'd crawl next to him on his bed and just watch him play his SNES, which I still to this day have never touched (his SNES, anyway).

Xbox came out, he went to college and I to my arts high school... We grew up a lot then, I think.

It was Halo that brought it back. He was always leaving and playing, but he one day suddenly asked me, "Don't you know the plot of Halo?" Thus, the weekend was dedicated to me watching Halo, the first and second. I'm not a first-person-shooter-kinda-gal, so I watched most of it after the first few "chapters," but we played almost all the way through. It wouldn't be until Halo 3 was almost out that I'd get to see that ending.

And now I'm in college while he's down in the cities, making his business. I don't think we've played a game together since before I went to New Zealand, when Mario Party 8 came out. He's out in the big world, making money whilst living in his new home...

I sometimes wonder what I'll do. I'm 21 and not even close to being in his status, as far as I'm concerned. I have no clue about where my job could take me--it seems so random, as I usually am. I'm worried about growing up and what it may entail. I'm worried that what I've chosen to do isn't really "growing up" and that, 10 years down the road, I'll realize that what I'm doing doesn't entail being an adult and I should do something else. Because I won't make enough money. I'll either be doing something in wait to do what I want or I'll be in the job struggling to get to a point where I can be satisfied.

I look at my brother and see success in all aspects, even if he doesn't see it. He's managed to keep friends and not have those stupid huge fights I had. He always got good grades, did a lot of social events, managed money well, now has a well paying job, his own house, travels for business... I mean, I'm not saying he's perfect (fucking far from), but he always had those good points I never managed to grasp. Points I feel I need to make it in the world I feel I'll never fit into.

A few days ago, I gave in and made myself a more professional email. I've never felt so normal, or like a sheep, in my life.

I really miss my brother. I feel that I appreciate him so much more now than I did when I was a kid. His humor, his attributes, his way of thinking... Yet again, due to the force of becoming an adult, whether we want to or not, we're wedged apart by time and money, at least in my aspect. I can't even find time/money to visit Mandikat, let alone my family.

I sometimes feel as if every day takes away a small part of my childhood. It says, "Here's what you can't have anymore. It's time for you to be on your own and make things happen!" But I feel like I can't. Why in the hell would I want to work so hard in life at something I don't want to do if the only real reason why I want to live is so I can be with my friends and family? That's why I work so hard in college for what I want to do. But what if I can't get what I want in my job? I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to get to that success point, forgetting the great things in life to get there. I'd much rather just have the great things.

Being an RA has tested my skills of multitasking. I love being an RA, yes, but there's no time left to be intimate with anyone, whether that be friends, family, lovers... It's like having a million hobbies, but never having any true time to become the master I want to be. A jack-of-all-trades. At one time, I wanted to be that--but I always wanted to be the best at it all, too.

I probably won't see my brother until October. Then, I'll be seeing my grandparents as well. But I hope I can get in some quality time. Because I wouldn't trade him for anything.

Random Fact: Three years of a person's life is spent on the toilet. Shit.