Sunday, August 17, 2008

Only A Dream?

Russ-L: So, I had a dream last night that you got a boyfriend.

Me: Sure it wasn't a nightmare?

Russ-L: Well, there was a part where I was being stabbed by a guy, and then I stabbed him back. But you were just in there somewhere. You said, "At first, I went to college not wanting a boyfriend because I was too busy, but now that I have one, it's great!"

Me: You sound like a PSA.... What'd he look like?

Russ-L: I didn't get a good look at him.

Me: This is my possible future husband and you don't remember?!

Russ-L: I remember that I approved.

I then said something to the effect of being happy he approved, then wondering what he did look like (I'd like to know what one of my best guy friends sees me with), and then saying, "Wait, I am to busy for a boyfriend. Like I should even be wondering."

Thinking back over this morning's conversation really did get me wondering. They always say, if you really want something, you'll get it. And it's not that I never wanted a boyfriend--I've obviously tried the route of liking someone, and it just doesn't work for me. At all.

This "season" has me going into it without a care. I want to laugh and not even see the possibilities. My mother, the ever-wanting-her-daughter-to-at-least-go-on-a-date mom, has already asked me if there are any possibilities out there, after catching my twitter comment of being happier single the more I think about it. Though Unrequited Love sucks face, I figure that if I just don't fall in love, nothing will happen, especially when the guy turns out to be a shithead.

I've still yet to be proven wrong, by the way. Just pointing it out.

However, when I replied to her as being sick of the whole scene, and that I don't even wanna test the waters until I'm for sure (which, in all honesty, is a total loop hole for myself--are we ever sure?), and that "they're just people," she had to say:

Mom: I'll take that as a yes.

Me: Nope.

Mom: Yep.

Me: No!

It's not that I'm denying anything. I'm sure my parents wonder about that every day. I've just gone through so much of that filing system, and nothing good comes from it. And I'm sick of wasting my time on something that doesn't work. It's like an expensive video game that sucks--if it breaks, I'm not going to be putting any time/effort into buying another. It sucked. And was expensive. And, even if it were in the clearance aisle, I'm pretty certain I'd just chuckle and say, "We all knew it'd be there someday," and walk on past.

My cynics come from the idea that someone should be confident enough to not give up on me if they really liked me. Not fair, but I stick by it. I do have enough on my plate to choke an incredible hulk. RA, training, classes, residents, writing, video gaming, friends and family... The stress in the air is pretty palpable at times. Adding a boyfriend to the mix... ever seen fireworks explode at a gas station? Neither have I, but I can imagine it would be pretty horrible.

Some would call this giving up. But I seriously am sick of going through the process. Thinking of someone as a constant, like some math problem gone wrong. Double checking, thinking, wondering situations. It becomes such an engrossed, disgusting love novel-esque Lifetime drama that I can only see that I begin to wish I'd never thought of liking a person in the first place. I don't know how my parents did it, or continue to do so. I don't know how anyone does it.

I hope it's like what I always say when someone says they dislike something. "You just haven't found the right one, then." It works for anime, video games, books, art, TV shows, computers, dishes, pets, lotion... even cities. Couldn't Love fall under that category?

I'm just not willing to waste my time. Not anymore. I don't waste my time on bad food, bad video games, bad TV shows or anything else... It's just that, in order to even get to the point of getting the good one, you do have to keep checking it out. I'm just lucky with video games because Gamestop allows me to rent for a few days.

I'm sure people, especially my parents, hate my unthriving luster for a love-life. And you'd figure I'd know by now how "it all works." Freaking everyone is doing it around me. Friends, co-workers, teachers... I'm certain even the freaking leeches in our lake are finding what I can't seem to grasp. It's quite a battle, debating on whether you want a relationship because you want what everyone else has.

And I mean, Jesus, I hate seeing people who absolutely adore another person to the point of looking like a dumbass. I mean, there's a reason why I don't get drunk. I think that's why I don't want to fall in love, either.

I don't want to be:

*the girl always looking around for the guy she likes
*spewing impressive material to... well, impress
*thinking about if I look good or not (it's dramatically time consuming--those five-fifteen minutes could be used for perfectly good Dr. Mario or crocheting or something)
*thinking about a boy when I could be contemplating more on my future, career and creativeness towards what I want that to entail

I also don't want to be alone forever.

I think it's kind of like swimming for me. It's all fun and joy until I realize that the real reason why I took the lessons was so then I wouldn't drown when/if I fall from a cruise ship at sea.

I talked to Mandikat after supper today, too. I was almost on the verge of tears, I've missed her so much. Hearing about her yearly trip made me happy, as we talked about the talent show, her family and what we'll do the next time I manage to get to come.

I've always envied how willing she was to put herself out there for hurt, when it comes to love. She dated someone for seven years, is now with another, and has dated a few when she was on breaks with said seven-year-guy, and even had some not-so-good ones before him. with as many tries, like so many of my other friends, I just can't see how it all comes about. What is it inside of a person that makes the bold move to initiate something that could mean forever? And after that heartache is gone, what the hell happens to make you think that you should go through it again?

Inexperience kills me. And I limit myself. But I still haven't found a reason to jump off the bridge. I really can't trust enough, myself or that other person, whomever it may be, to get that close. If I screw up, I'm fine with it--it's me, myself and I. I'll take the blame. But another?

I've always hated the person who screwed up a part of a project for class. A heart is a bit more delicate than a grade for class.

And yet, I can't stop watching it happen. The Office, Disney flicks... I sometimes feel as if I'm making myself watch what I won't allow to happen. Torture via subconcious. We are our own worst enemies.

Random Fact: 53% of women in America would dump their boyfriend if they did not get them anything for Valentine's Day. I also don't want to be that girl.

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