What a hefty few days that have been going on. I've barely even talked to my parents, let alone my fellow RAs, to show how busy I've been.
A lot of what's been going on has been developing community. Community within the floor, the hall, the classes, the school... Building a community takes freaking forever. Which is amazing, considering it's all so much common sense.
To be honest, I've never considered myself to be really good at making the whole friend thing. I love to laugh, learn about people and hang out, but, for some reason, I'm weary about getting too close. And I think that people can feel that weariness, because I see that when I pull away, they pull away, too. Though intuition can be lost, this small part of our human selves has stuck around.
I do find it sad that I pull away. Perhaps it's the easy way out. It's always easier to just do something else rather than take the time to forge and become someone's friend.
But I don't like forced friendships. I like being real and letting things develop as they should. I hate bouncing in on things uninvited (I take invitations seriously, not only showing that you care for their presence, but you took the time to think about them because the time would be better with them included in on the event). I don't like gossip matters, mostly because if I have anything to say about someone, I'll either say to their face or would tell only one other person in complete confidence because the matter isn't big enough for me to bring to the surface.
And I have the weirdest quirks.
When I watch a movie/show, I like to sit and watch. Sometimes, I'll comment, but, when I do something, I focus.
When I play video games or read a book, I completely blank out anything else around me to a point of, if you ask me a question, don't be surprised to get an answer five-twenty minutes later than when you asked. This also plans into wanting to finish projects when I start them so they actually get done (I don't do that whole slowly-but-surely-work-on-that-paper).
On that note, I also forget very easily. My parents can vouch for the whole Talk-And-Work I can't do. It can be a positive feature to focus on things, but probably not as intent as I can be. I typically will stay on task... with whatever priority I suddenly decide to have.
And I hate interruptions, like a plague. Especially when I can tell that your interrupting to talk more about yourself and aren't hearing anything of what the other person is saying. It's such a respect factor, like showing up on time--are you worth their time or not?
The analyzer I am (the kind that over-thinks and comes to crazy conclusions), it's hard to not take things personally as well. It's sometimes a little too late that I realize not everyone as the same expectations as me. That their common sense meter is different, or lacking. But, even if I were to see the other side, come up with logical reasoning for actions and try to emotionally rationalize myself accordingly, I still find myself relaxing by myself, unwinding without the need of others.
There are very few people in any of my relationships that I feel completely at ease with. I find it a compliment to know that with Mandikat, all I need is to be around her. In high school, I'd go to her room, then we'd do completely different things. She'd play Final Fantasy while I crochet. I'd play Legend of Zelda while she practiced her music or drew. Sometimes, we wouldn't talk for hours. We'd just do our own thing, loving the fact that we didn't have to always be talking or doing something to impress the other. She's just as much my family as my family is, in that sense.
It's times like these that I know I'm blessed with what I have. With my quirks, I've still managed to find some people that I can officially say are with me for the rest of my life.
And it sucks, because those people aren't in close proximity to me in the least. Besides my immediate family, Mandikat's at home, Russell is busy with his hall, Ashley is all the way in Minneapolis, Matt's in another state, Spooner left for the West Coast... What's great is knowing that, when I see them again, nothing will have changed. But it sucks because I wish I had that connection with everybody.
How wonderful would it be to know that being yourself is okay in any situation? No stress over what you say, because everything will be understood. No need to worry about doing something for one another because you know in your soul that whatever you do for them, they would do back, tenfold. And what a feeling to know that a mistake on your end isn't the end of the world with them. The respect is mutual. Comfort is constant. No hard feelings. Nobody left behind.
When I look at most of those relationships, I can say that they are the most effortless. It's no breath on my part to keep those alive, though there can be some bumpy areas. Those special relationships really were sent from above, because we clicked. The understanding, the appreciation, the respect, the comfort... All such different people, and yet we found peace with each other.
What is it within me that can't do this with everyone? Whether it be a lack of quality or feature, on either part, I find it interesting, if not hurtful, not being able to discover this. What a process to know that, not only do you not feel the connection, but neither does the other. And that perhaps you're trying, but the other isn't.
I just love connections. I love sharing ideas, thoughts, stories... those flickers of life really make my day. It's not the need to impress, the forceful shove of information down my throat or how attractive you are... It's the unexpected, with sincerity, laughter... The beauty in the eyes that burst forth the fondness of life they have. That's the spark people talk about.
I hope I can rise out of my own insecurities enough to really become comfortable with people. As much as I claim/feel wonderful with myself, I think there are still a few more things to work on. And I hope that, during that time, I can connect with some more people who can stay in my life forever as well.
Random Fact: A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.