When you haven't been on your own computer for over two months, it's hard to get back in the groove of the technology.
Sure, you've gone on someone else's, checked emails and perhaps even written random comments through favorite websites.
But when you finally get the control back in your hands, it's complicated. You're not quite sure what to do. You only feel like doing five seconds worth of news where you once spent five hours at a time. Nothing is interesting enough to report, like it once used to be. You've had the time to re-evaluate what you once held dear, such as music and your need for a social life through people you've never met in Algeria or people you see every five seconds of your life (I'm speaking to you, Facebook-teers... I must say, get a life).
When did our nation start keeping tabs on everyone in such ways? Why do we place such importance on our status as people? I feel like we're still in Jr. High, as we're "in the know" of who did what, when and how. Even I find myself a little edgy, writing this with the knowledge that certain friends and family read this, but why should I be? Who freaking cares about the rest of the world, but why am I, personally, so afraid to write what I really care about and how I really feel and what someone else could think?
I take pride in being real. I don't get pissed at people for smoking, drinking, doing what they feel is important, I get irritated when they aren't true to what they say they are. But in order for me to be real, I have to stop being so worried about what one person thinks about me as well as how I think about others. With every post, on anywhere, it all seems so "though provoking" and "important," but it really isn't. Why people are so crazy about the internet and connecting with other's is only half because of the social aspect. The other half is of us reaching out to other's, being what we wish, being what we are and loading ourselves with information so we can impress the next person we bump into. Even our friendships seem to be a popularity contest of what we can do and know. Modesty isn't modesty anymore, but a slight delay into showing our worth, which, I think, isn't all that bad. Being what we are is the best we can all do.
Here's what I know for sure:
I am twenty years old with two parents and a brother. I live in a place that's far from my friends, but has never mattered because we find our ways to each other, even in different colleges and across the state. I own a Jeep that has a door that doesn't open from the inside, a fan that only blows on high and no air conditioning as well as issues in my transmission fluid tank. Whenever I get into my Jeep, my confidence boosts because I believe that my Jeep is the coolest thing on the road and meets my personality needs to a T.
My family is screwed up. People don't talk to other people, I don't know half my cousins and I've never had one of those huge family reunions. But I've never felt unloved in any direction. My grandparents have helped me in so many ways, I'm supported at any moment of my life by my parents and one of the best moments of my life this year was spending Thanksgiving in San Diego with my loving Great Aunt and Uncle with my immediate family less than a week after coming back from New Zealand.
I know that I love to laugh, and do so as much as possible, at anything I can, because laughing is one of the only things that hasn't been blackened by the disgusting things I've learned about our world on my adventures. I enjoy stupid things, such as doing nothing with friends and family, but at least being near them, playing Wii with my parents, and using facial toner that smells like my favorite essential oils. I love having extra safety pins handy.
I know I'm larger than the normal girl, and I hate it when people start talking about weight and pointing out how they or I need to get on the ball because I like living in the present because that's what it's all about, "it" being life. Thinking about the future is good because it gives you dreams and hopes, the things that support your spiritual being, and thinking about the past is good because you can learn from your mistakes and see how you have come to the person you are today. But the present is the most important of all, because that's how you write your past and begin your future. What you do now is the memories you'll look back on. And I've got a bet with myself to remember the good, not the bad, and the best way to do that is to make as much good as possible while having the greatest time of your life. And the greatest time of my life doesn't include freaking out that I don't look like the so-called "normal" person in a magazine that gets photo shopped literally into a woman or man that doesn't exist.
But I know that eating healthy makes me feel better. A day without junk food finds me happier, more active and less tired. When I go to bed at eleven PM, I can get up at seven in the morning ready to go for the rest of the day. I know that I lie when I don't have to, and I tell the truth when I don't need to. I know that I won't be able to handle the death of a loved one when it finally looks me in the face. And I know that I still have a long way to go to be satisfied spiritually.
I know I don't have a boyfriend and that I don't care, or care, or don't care, or care or something that I decide to figure out when it comes along.
I know a lot of things, and I also don't know a lot of things.
What I know most is that people put their choices in the wrong places. They know all of these things, but still choose the other direction. I know that exercise is illuminating and feels great, but after a long day at school or work, I'd much rather play Zelda or Wii Sports than run for an hour.
People know that by taking long showers they use up however many gallons of water. People know that they have almost have five pounds of garbage per day, but choose to file that away because they'd feel to guilty about living the way they do and don't wish to change their ways. I mean, I love Freezies, but each one has how much plastic? It's supposed to be a popsicle without all the mess, but the mess just ends up worse than just wiping away sugary liquid from our faces and hands.
Our nation isn't one of thinking at the moment. We're a nation of complainers and placing the blame. The few people that are managing to take charge need more than just followers. They don't need people who are paranoid about what their relationship is with a fellow Facebook-teer and is making up reasons why they are good to be living the way they are living. They need people who are true to their word and are changers themselves.
My resolution for the rest of my life is to be that changer.
Random Fact: Frowning burns more calories then smiling. But I'd rather do the latter.