Yeah, let's blame it on that.
My mother says she's never seen me this indecisive. But what it really all comes down to is: Do I really want to spend a whole year away from everybody I know and go completely alone into a new atmosphere I know very little about. New Zealand has been what I've wanted for quite some time; I only hesitate because it's this growth of fully becoming an adult, admitting it's time for me to be ready to make it on my own, prove my worth in this world--but what if I'm not ready? What if I think I am and I turn out to be a failure? And I'm in a completely different country with no one to hold my hand and say that they're there for me?
In karate, my teacher always told me when I was ready. He would say that he was testing me on a certain day, but it was really the whole week, but it was really my entire time of ever doing karate that he was watching me. I wouldn't have to feel so nervous because he knew I was ready. It's hard for me to tell when I'm ready; it's seems somewhat over zealous at times for me to say I'm ready because I'd look like a fool if I weren't.
I just have to remember that I can do this--and at any time I want. I'm not going because I told everyone I'm going. I'm not going because it's for school. And I'm definitely not going to get away from anyone. I'm going because I know I need to go, because, as afraid as I am of growing up and finally being on my own, it's something I need to do for myself, that I'm supposed to go there and see what I can do in a world of complete strangers. I did it before, and I'm willing to do it again--just in a bigger community.
I'm damn scared. It's known that college is the place to start de-rooting oneself from the home life, be on one's own. In reality, no one is really on their own. Parents help, the school helps and there are always people around. But it's a whole new ball game on the other side of the world.
I'm turning twenty on Tuesday. Officially not a "punk teen" and just underage enough to consider myself a "youngin".
I've so much to learn.
Random Fact: A ball of glass will bounce higher than a ball made of rubber