Cold Feet

For the past two months, I've been in what I like to call 'financial ruin'. The less fortunate would say I was well off. The people who don't even know I exist in another country getting five cents an hour to make the shoes I walk in would say I'm rich. However, I have been in what I consider 'financial ruin' because I'm selfish.

The situation was that I couldn't afford the place I was at because I was too poor, but I also couldn't afford to move because that was too expensive for me to afford as well. On top of this, I was lucky to have food stocked up, and it was slowly weening. I needed a roommate, but no one wants to live in the suburbs with a single, white female who likes to sing while she cooks.

From some dues ex machina, I found a roommate and he found me. We were both tired of interviews with weirdos, we both just wanted a place to stay without worry of murder, and we ultimately wanted internet. The best thing about my new roommate, besides being on opposite schedules so we don't actually ever see each other, is that he works at a company that gets us free internet and cable. The fact that I've been over a month without internet to download my free monthly game from Xbox has been killing me.

Although I am now not paying over my paycheck for rent now that I have a roommate, I am still playing it safe on all angles. I'm ever conscious of what I purchase, unlike before (I want a video game? Just buy it because WHO CARES I HAVE MONEY?!). Despite being considered extremely frugal by everyone in college, as I am apparently the only person who was afraid to be excruciatingly poor when I'm on my own, I've had a very expensive summer. Nothing I regret, but definitely something I will be remembering for future endeavors.

I suppose there is a lesson to be learned. About savings and not paying attention to the bank means 'financial ruin'. I'm definitely still wary, but I can tell I'm a bit more lax as the weeks continue. I'm feeling safer, less like I will be out on the streets, huddling with my consoles in fear of having to give them up in order to survive with tears and snot running down my face because I am not a pretty person when I happen to be wallowing in misery.

Money has always been a subject of woe for me. It's something I work hard toward. My family was 'well off', but now they have their troubles we never foresaw. No one can foresee their dreams one day rising to a cost of giving that dream up.

These are the things that happen in life that can make you rethink your future, and what you think to be important in life.

For instance, while I may struggle not to buy a $60 video game I don't need, someone else is probably debating whether they can afford both bread and peanut butter--jelly is right out, as it's a luxury. Which doesn't matter anyway because jelly is gross. Bleh.

While I debate my feelings on whether or not I like a boy as more than a friend, and if I should actually do something about it because of the most dramatic reasons in all the land that would make a romantic comedy run for it's money, someone else is probably wishing they had my lucky drama because they are currently in human trafficking, wondering if they'll live to tell the tale of their forced drug habits.

Ah, the dilemma. People have it worse off than me, so who am I to complain?

How does one even get the right? Is there a passage into this sort of thing? Or are you born into it, just like race and status? What does a status even matter if you're unhappy? Can I please eat that piece of cheese with that blackcurrant jelly? Thank you.

I guess what I'm saying is, every time I think I've got it figured out, I'm shown how far off the grid I really am. You think you're beginning to like someone and they start dating someone else. You think you've got a nice nest egg for future plans of travel and they're taken away, stripped. Just when you think your face looks it's best, there is a zit, right on your cheek, looking smug as if it's slapped itself there just to see your frown.

I don't even know. I thought I was sitting well with my job, too, but I started getting bored. I sit and stare at my computer all day to make sure people have meetings to discuss business about whether or not they are making enough money to satisfy The Man. Don't get me wrong, we also do really fantastic things in the process. But it just isn't something I thought I'd be doing. Where is this life changing moment I wanted so bad? Do I make a blood sacrifice sort of event? If so, I'm just not into that.

I get this itch, sometimes, to just do something crazy. To pick up my bag, fill it with two sets of clothes, then wander off into Canada. From there, I'd hitchhike my way across to Quebec. I'd somehow make it to Iceland. Then off into Scandinavia. Work my way through the country on foot, seeing sites, writing... Maybe I'd even meet someone while I'm not looking for anything in particular.

When I see this daydream in my head, and I look down at what I think I'd do written on paper, it never feels right. It feels like I'm running away. And I wouldn't be happy doing that either.

I'd be happier if I could be more honest with myself in the time that presents itself. People find me so extroverted, that I know what I want and rarely think otherwise. This is because my brain isn't attached to my body during these times. I'm just being someone I can't not be when I'm around people where I feel home. When I'm alone, that's when my brain brings about the insecurities of being an adult, what that means, and that I'm not quite ever going to be there. That my idea of being an adult doesn't form with the people who I looked up to most hurts, like I've been doing something wrong for the past 26 years. And I forget what I so firmly believed in so quickly, it makes me think if I ever actually do believe.

Today, when I run, I'm going to pretend that I'm running away from every single problem that has ever entered my life. Then, I'm going to stop, take off my headphones, and face the world. But, for that half hour, it will be bliss to pass the reigns of what I consider to be 'ruin'. I can start building on the ruin after that run.