Sunday, June 23, 2013

A Positive And A Negative Internet Blog

As of this moment, I am currently typing from the best computer in ALL the land.

I say this because I built it. And by me, I mean my friend Brandon did. And I placed one screw on it.

Regardless, this has been something on my bucket list to do. I was tired of getting laptops, and didn't want to spend the crap-ton of money to get a really nice gaming desktop for Elder Scrolls MMO when I could save a good few hundred by building one. However, I'm completely inept at anything of the sort. Double however, I am a lucky girl with ALL the really smart friends who do this type of thing all the time!

You see this, motherfuckers? Shit just got real.

Enough gushing, because I could do this all night. No joke.

During in which the best computer that probably has the most love (and not the porn kind) was being built, I provided (hopefully) interesting conversation. I haven't had the pleasure of hanging out with Brandon too often, so, like all newer friends, I like to gauge reactions, pick up on their social cues, and ask questions galore. I'm usually an inquisitive person, but getting more personal is one of my more favorite things about meeting someone new. There are so many stories and opinions... and I find it particularly interesting how much one is willing to divulge.

What I like most about hanging with Brandon is that he is one of the few single friends I have. Most of my really good friends are married or are in serious relationships, the few singletons living a good few hours away. The bonus is, this is a single guy friend, and a nice one at that--I can finally see the insights of a legit good guy.

It gave me hope, some of our discussions. We seem to have the opposite of problems, which makes me laugh. Where I find that there are only guys who want to get it on or can't seem to get the balls to take me out and tell me how they feel, he gathers the girls who become disinterested because he's a gentleman about dating and getting to know someone.

I find this to be the most interesting. Socially, I find that it is more acceptable to find whether you have chemistry in a relationship first with a physical appearance. It is from there that one would decide whether the rest is worth the amount of attractiveness. Now, one could argue that people wrote to each other all the time back in the age, what with all the sonnets and everything, but I challenge you to find a good handful of sonnets that spoke about a woman's intellect, her wit, her character. I agree, there does have to be an amount of a person that draws the eye--there are certainly quite a few of my guy friends I'm just not attracted to despite all of their fantastic attributes. Yet I also gauge my attraction on attributes. For instance, the most handsome man in the world would be a monster in my eyes if I knew he was an animal abuser, or scorned those less fortunate than himself.

I feel like online dating is a less romantic period of sonnets. It is a resume for love. You'd think this would make things easier to decide, but it is actually quite more disheartening.

I remember when I'd joke with my friends in college about the need for an app that would show stats around a person's head so you wouldn't have to worry about certain aspects for dating. Typed along their torso would say if they enjoy animals, whether they keep the toilet seat down, their ability to spell... things we found so important and needful in a relationship. It would show you whether the guy was a gentleman, would blow you off for a night with another girl, or if they're hiding the fact that he only want you for your looks. Whether they are too clingy, or too distant.

I realized this week that this is online dating.

It's look at a piece of paper to see whether this person is worth your time. A list going from A-Z. You get the people who write nothing, and then you get those who have far too much on their profile that you get bored reading it. You have those who have only one picture of themselves, and then those that have well over fifteen. They place preferences on their profile to slim down the amount of research while looking at the profile, highlighting what is in common for that quick 'yay' or 'nay'.

It's judging. Constant judging from all angles. This guy is too fat; this guy is too short; this guy says he only likes Caucasians; this guy says he's looking for someone who likes golfing; this one is looking for a woman who plays video games; this one is looking for that romantic walk along the beach with some wine while they sit to watch the sunset.

Some like how effective this system is. It shortens the process of wasting your time. You don't have to get dressed up and go to some bar, but, instead, take those few good pictures to place on the page so everyone can see how fantastic you are and stay at home in your grungy clothes to see who likes that idea of you.

Perhaps this is where I hold the issue. Holding someone to a resume creates a poster boy you have an idea of. There is an argument that the internet allows people to be more who they are, be more apt to say something to another where they'd normally be quiet. I'd then like to show Exhibit A of the contributions these people have given me:

  • (in the first email ever sent to me) I just want to love you and you love me back.
  • Just so you know I am an open book you can ask me anything you wish. Nothing is out of bounds and I will answer truthfully. (in answer to one message I sent back to him about books)
  • We should meet. (at a 47% match and nothing in common, first email)
  • Hi. (I'm not kidding--this was the whole message, and the most common I receive)
  • I'd be interested in one night, sure ;)
These are besides some of the messages I get back if I don't answer, in which I've flagged the message due to the contents being less than common courtesy/gentlemanly.

Out of these many emails that are so similar, with guys who have no picture at all with no information on their page, and tell me I should meet up with them (the words 'rape' and 'murder' literally ringing off the computer), there is maybe one or two that I've legitimately felt are genuine males, and we just didn't mesh well enough to continue onto more than a couple of dates. I'm not saying the above messages don't work for some girls, and I could be completely considered a bitch for not giving a chance to a guy who sent me a message completely in a text format... But do you know what this sounded like? Regular dating. Just less dismissive.

Think about it. Conversations in person start with 'Hi', and that message would have gotten a lot further had it been originally in person. And completely less interesting/creepy. Most of the messages would be.

The bonus? You get to see them immediately in person, how they act around other people. You feel a certain connection, maybe, and you're willing to take more of a chance than what you would if you were to see their profile online and judge by a picture that they aren't the one for you because they show themselves skiing. Skiing is just a part of someone, not their whole being.

One of my biggest complaints about meeting a guy? They find out I like video games, so that's what they focus on. Anyone who knows me would contest that this does happen to be a favorite subject of mine, but it's become such a turn off for me around men. They get so excited that I do something they do. I'm immediately labeled, and it's forgotten that I actually also enjoy running, writing, traveling, talking about other things

Online dating brings that focus out. It makes it easy to forget that people are more than just one attribute.

I don't think it's all the men's fault. I think dating recently has been made harder with our generation that demands immediate results, and those results better be exactly what is wanted. We've been taught by a generation that had to work so hard to get what they wanted, and they only wanted their children to have the best. It's bred a few good, hardworking sort with a massive amount of people who give up so easily when the world tosses their way a challenge. Place that in a dating world of shifting gender roles, where women aren't so quiet and work for a living while the men feel those old society traditions that are still being weeded through as to what is acceptable or not.

Simply the worst mixed drink in the world.

So, it was nice to get some confirmation this weekend that not every guy asks a girl on a date for the single purpose of sex. That a male specimen is actually turned off by a woman who wants a one night stand. That he knows women are more than one subject he happens to be interested in, too.

Maybe most guys out there are more like this. Maybe it's a matter of most guys having a fear of rejection that they don't speak up. And maybe, yes, I do look too far into things.

But what I do know is that I'm unhappy judging people at every corner like they're resumes and not people. And I'm tired of being scanned the same way. It's depressing when I can see how many people have viewed my profile in a day, but I wasn't worthy enough to even get a message. That's not how I want to live my life.

I've deleted my profiles. Online dating is not for me.

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