Monday, March 11, 2013

Evil Fairy...Let's Name Her Renne

Can it really be considered a "New Beginning" if there was really never anything there to start with?

I supposed that question is moot, because obviously there was something at least from my side. I know my part in things better than anyone else. And I know that it was there on my side. It took some extra time for me to figure that out.

Isn't that amazing? That one can be in a state of something for months, and because it has become such a norm, you don't even realize what you've become.

I had become dishonest with myself. I didn't like that. It's one thing to be dishonest with someone else, but quite another to be dishonest with yourself. If you're lying to yourself, you have no idea how others are perceiving you. It's not just that you have no idea what you're doing, but that others are getting a feeling from you that is almost like a wild card. One that you didn't play. A third party came in a laid down a Wild Draw 4, and you're left with nothing but the need to sort through your cards with a new sense of urgency in hopes that you're not thrown completely off guard, that you have some color to place into discard. Because, let's be honest--no one wants to be going through who knows how many turns picking from the pile until they're finally back in the game.

I can be seen as a hasty decision maker. This is mostly due to the fact that I'm not fantastic with memory. If I don't do what I think up now, I'll forget later, and then it's the dusty ornament your grandparents got you when they went on that Europe trip when you were six, and you just didn't have the heart to throw it away, despite it not going with any of your surroundings.

It haunts my soul. It plays with my mind curtains like a cat, pawing and scooting the cloth around because I've forgotten something I want to do in life, and it waits patiently like a dog in hopes that I will eventually get back to it with the zest I had when it was once thought up.

Doing something when you first think it up can be much more fascinating than waiting. Waiting, like procrastination, can sometimes further the sensations of wonder. It turns into an anticipation, a giddiness that even turns into passion. Sometimes, yes... waiting is a pleasure.

But I can't wait.

I can't wait around when I have things to do. I can't tap my fingers while it seems there are better things going on. My attention span, while loyal, has a tendency to forget. It's not fickle. But when I get caught up in the moment, and the anticipation has brought it up, and the giddiness is turning into passion, and all other thoughts have been placed in a time capsule because only now is existing, I can't wait.

This is a large hypocrisy, I understand. Because my kind of living in the moment is more about decision making and wallowing in it with a full heart. Drowning in it. Focusing. From the simplest of eating an ice cream cone to painting a portrait. It's not that I'm terrible at multitasking, it's that I feel I can only do one thing at a time because then I know it is getting done well. Half-ass won't do.

And I like to enjoy a moment. Laugh and soak in the love. Cry and realize what I'm learning. Play a video game and not miss anything that will have me stuck later on because I was distracted by something else (true story--when I'm playing a video game, I will certainly be paying more attention to that than you. My bad.).

As you can probably tell, this trait in myself does not mix well with being dishonest. It makes things confusing, particularly relationships due to the communication effect. One cannot communicate properly if even they don't know what they mean.

So, I made a hasty decision. And failed. Miserably. And I tried again. And failed. And a third time, with even more failure. I realized I'd been more dishonest with myself than originally thought.

Two things I've learned: I've found something that makes it difficult to be myself, and being dishonest with yourself is a sneaky evil fairy named Renne whispering what you think you know in your ear. FACT.

Morale? Be yourself, but know who you are so that you can look at yourself every few months and realize that you're not being yourself so you can be utterly confused and conflicted in your position in life so you can think you're making a decision that you will later change your mind to suit your whims at that particular time.

Glad we had this talk.

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